Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Magnificent time wasting Zombie game.

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Zombie Harmony A Zombie dating site, because the apocalypse doesn't have to be lonely

• Crank texts Guy randomly texts numbers until he gets a response. Hilarious. Go here

• Things you should know A blog telling you everything you need to know grammatically. For example - Who vs. Whom. It’s a fucking pronoun battle for the ages.

Here’s the (slightly involved) deal: Who acts as a subject (the motherfucker doing some shit), while 
Whom acts as an object (the motherfucker having shit done to him). For most people the subject/object distinction is a tricky one, because “subject” and “object” sound like technical grammar jargon. Chill.

1. The weathermen predict clear skies.
2. I packed up my bathing suit.
3. If I see a fucking raincloud, I will find a weatherman and I will kick his dick inside-out.

In sentence one, the weathermen (subject) predict (do the action), while the clear skies (object) are predicted (receive the action).

In sentence two, I (subject) do the action, while my bathing suit receives the action.

And so on.
1. Who predicted clear skies?
2. Who packed up my bathing suit?
3. If you see a raincloud, whom will you kick in the dick?

Do you have to know that distinction to properly use Who and Whom? No, you lazy shit-bar. Here’s the trick Mrs. Roberts taught me in 5th grade:

 Method:To determine proper usage of who/whom, separate the who/whom clause and pose it as a question. If that question can be answered with “he”, use “who”; if it can be answered with “him”, use “whom”.

Examples: Who/whom ate my goddamn latkes and applefuckingsauce? (HE did. Use Who.)

• Awesome

 

 

• Doubly Awesome

Yes. Ride in Daleks (complete with light and sound fx!). Although they come with some ridiculous age restriction. Bugger that. I'm getting one!

• Greatest Festival ever

 Have you bought the Captain a drink for Febfast yet?

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this year

Hello

Here's a round up of the blogs I love to read and have made me a little less bile fueled in 2010.  Its not complete or conclusive and is in no particular order more wirtten as they popped into my last day of 2010 head.

The Levant and her Neighbors.  In the world of seemingly never ending travel blogs it easy to get a bit blaise and through that not discover the gems. Like this one ( I was lucky enough to read it as it unfolded.) She is now writing this excellent blog 

Vote 1 Love - A  blog by uber talented cartoonist Michelle Baggas Baginski presenting cartoons reacting to political issues. Go here to be charmed

  

I Can Pretend to Care Got a problem with life? Need a questions answered, then let Lou Sanz help you at her hilarious help column here. Informative, funny, caring.... what more could you want? (Cheese on toast arguably but let's not split hairs) Her blog is here 

Ginger and Honey Writer Steph Convery was a lucky bitch and traveled across the top of the country this year and wrote some of the most beautiful prose about the trip and her reactions to it on her blog

Clem Bastow Clem is like a never ending stream of pop culture gold. Read her blog follow her on twitter and of courser follow Stoned Cats

“Am I a wizard or a traffic cone? Just think about it for a while, man.”

Unwakeable. Consistently excellent and consistently inspiring Lisa Dempsters blog covers her literary, bike riding and Vegan foodie life with lots in between. I am also jealous of her job (but that's another story)

H. Anthony Hildebrand Possibly the cleverest and funniest person I know. Follow him on twitter

Angry Travel Girl and her world of rants about working in travel industry. I do love a good rant

If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger, There'd Be a Whole Lot of Dead Copycats Aside from being the winner for longest title this blog provides a steady stream of new photos of famous (and not so famous people) from yesteryear

John Lennon, Anne Murray, Harry Nilsson, Alice Cooper and Mickey Dolenz whoop it up at the Troubadour. 

Bored Olives An email love story As explained on the site

As I was putting together a computer from second hand parts, I found the old hard drive hadn't been erased. This included the previous owners emails. I felt conflicted about reading them. But this passed quickly. To my delight I discovered a correspondence between two people dating back to 1999. They were truthful, touching and a little funny. I became addicted and felt compelled to share it. Unedited.

and to finish the favorite of my posted photos of the year

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com

 

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Superhero Granny A few years ago, French photographer Sacha Goldberger found his 91-year-old Hungarian grandmother Frederika feeling lonely and depressed. To cheer her up, he suggested that they shoot a series of outrageous photographs in unusual costumes, poses, and locations.

More pics here.

• Hidden subway station I love hidden places, especially in big cities and this one is a gem. A once abandoned (or, rather, off limits) subway station from 1908 in Brooklyn is now accessible to the public.

  The city closed the station in 1945, mostly because at its height only 600 people a day used it, and because the loop created an unsafe gap at the platform. In 1995 the city vowed to restore the site and turn it into a part of the transit museum, but those plans were scrapped years later.

  
    
  The station is still not open to the public, but there's a trick you can use to see it for yourself. Until recently the MTA would force passengers to get off before the train made the loop, but now passengers are allowed to stay on. So the next time you reach the end of the line, keep going. 
  
  
  More pictures here
  

• Cartoons

 

• Ikeas Hadron Collider

• Rascist Wallaby Everyone already knows my thoughts on Wombats, agreeing with my sentiment Racist Wallaby opens up a much needed expansive discussion about the entirety of Australian wildlife

Most Koala talk is rubbish, but it crosses over into a whole new realm of nonsensical gibberish when they start going on about their spirituality.

If you've never had the misfortune of having a Koala offer to "re-align your chakras," "smooth out your energy flow," or sat through one of their lectures on spiritual oneness and the inherent divinity present in all of us, consider yourself lucky.

What really makes me angry is the number of Koalas who have decided that they can make a living from it, spruiking crystals, candles, and all manner of nonsense that they expect us to pay hard-earned dollars for.
Getting stoned out of your mind on eucalyptus and telling people to "chill out" is not a valid career choice! It's well past time the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission looked into them. 

More here

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Man writes Gnome survival guide Chuck Sambuchino has written the rather wonderful "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack."

Zombies get more press, but garden gnomes may be a bigger threat to public safety. Or so says Chuck Sambuchino of Cincinnati, who is on a one-man crusade to warn his fellow citizens about the looming dangers garden gnomes present to America's suburbs and rural areas.

The bizarre publication explains how to avoid being attacked by "murderous" garden gnomes which Sambuchino claims to be a "serious problem" (from Unexplained Mysteries)

• Thunderbusters

• This is a headline about science from The Guardian World News

In the standfirst I will make a fairly obvious pun about the subject matter before posing an inane question I have no intention of really answering: is this an important scientific finding?

In this paragraph I will state the main claim that the research makes, making appropriate use of "scare quotes" to ensure that it's clear that I have no opinion about this research whatsoever.

In this paragraph I will briefly (because no paragraph should be more than one line) state which existing scientific ideas this new research "challenges". 

If the research is about a potential cure, or a solution to a problem, this paragraph will describe how it will raise hopes for a group of sufferers or victims.

This paragraph elaborates on the claim, adding weasel-words like "the scientists say" to shift responsibility for establishing the likely truth or accuracy of the research findings on to absolutely anybody else but me, the journalist.

In this paragraph I will state in which journal the research will be published. I won't provide a link because either a) the concept of adding links to web pages is alien to the editors, b) I can't be bothered, or c) the journal inexplicably set the embargo on the press release to expire before the paper was actually published.

"Basically, this is a brief soundbite," the scientist will say, from a department and university that I will give brief credit to. "The existing science is a bit dodgy, whereas my conclusion seems bang on" she or he will continue.

I will then briefly state how many years the scientist spent leading the study, to reinforce the fact that this is a serious study and worthy of being published by the BBC the website. 

This is a sub-heading that gives the impression I am about to add useful context.

Here I will state that whatever was being researched was first discovered in some year, presenting a vague timeline in a token gesture toward establishing context for the reader. 

 

To pad out this section I will include a variety of inane facts about the subject of the research that I gathered by Googling the topic and reading the Wikipedia article that appeared as the first link.

I will preface them with "it is believed" or "scientists think" to avoid giving the impression of passing any sort of personal judgement on even the most inane facts. 

This fragment will be put on its own line for no obvious reason.

In this paragraph I will reference or quote some minor celebrity, historical figure, eccentric, or a group of sufferers; because my editors are ideologically committed to the idea that all news stories need a "human interest", and I'm not convinced that the scientists are interesting enough.

At this point I will include a picture, because our search engine optimisation experts have determined that humans are incapable of reading more than 400 words without one.

This subheading hints at controversy with a curt phrase and a question mark?

This paragraph will explain that while some scientists believe one thing to be true, other people believe another, different thing to be true. 

In this paragraph I will provide balance with a quote from another scientist in the field. Since I picked their name at random from a Google search, and since the research probably hasn't even been published yet for them to see it, their response to my e-mail will be bland and non-committal.

"The research is useful", they will say, "and gives us new information. However, we need more research before we can say if the conclusions are correct, so I would advise caution for now."

If the subject is politically sensitive this paragraph will contain quotes from some fringe special interest group of people who, though having no apparent understanding of the subject, help to give the impression that genuine public "controversy" exists.

This paragraph will provide more comments from the author restating their beliefs about the research by basically repeating the same stuff they said in the earlier quotes but with slightly different words. They won't address any of the criticisms above because I only had time to send out one round of e-mails.

This paragraph contained useful information or context, but was removed by the sub-editor to keep the article within an arbitrary word limit in case the internet runs out of space. 

The final paragraph will state that some part of the result is still ambiguous, and that research will continue.

• and finally

http://www.geeksaresexy.net

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Build a Dalek. Go here for the blueprints but don't blame me when it comes to life and kills all of humanity

• Elephant Appreciation Week. As long time readers would know I do have a soft spot for elephants and this week has been elephant appreciation week. The highlight of this has been finding this place

The Elephant Sanctuary in Hohenwald, Tennessee, is the nation's largest natural-habitat refuge developed specifically to meet the needs of endangered elephants. It is  designed specifically for old, sick or needy elephants who have been retired from zoos and circuses. Our residents are not required to perform or entertain for the public; instead, they are encouraged to live like elephants.

and as crap as it is that we need places like this, its a bit great that they exist. Why not become a member for a paltry $30 and make this elephant even happier

• Melbourne Fringe As we all know I do love a fringe and have picked some highlights out previously. The quite excellent Steph Brotchie has guest posted her highlights on the equally excellent Lisa Dempsters blog.  If you only see one thing see Tali Nevilles For whom the bell tolls. I saw last years show and it was excellent. Her website is here 

• Somethings don't need a title

• while some can never be adequately explained

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Wampa Rug. 

Magnificent. And this one comes with an offer.

If you would like to be photographed naked on the Wampa rug, then send an email to make the appropriate arrangements. Please include the subject heading: "I would like to be photographed naked on a wampa rug". If I have enough responses I will publish a coffee table book entitled,  

"I Was Naked on a Wampa Rug. Vol I."

• Mark Storen's Cut to the Quick If you like your cabaret unconventional, sung by someone with the voice of an angel but the heart of the devil this is the one to come and see next Saturday night (18th of September)

 Here's a preview

and some details

An original, demented cabaret, that takes a peek at unrequited love gone wrong. From the milkman who finds the shoes on the other foot, to a man who's lover leaves him for the Eiffel tower, this interactive, chaotic, musical adventure examines the plight of the jilted lover.

"If Martyn Jacques ever pulled the pin from the Tiger Lillies, his two confreres could do a lot worse than give Mark Storen a call to replace him." The West Australian.

Mark Storen's A Drunken Cabaret, **** Time Out New York/ 2009 New York International Fringe festival.

"A Philosophical and funny look at the taboo space where love turns homicidal. Impressively Incorrect." Mark Storen's A Drunken Cabaret, **** The Advertiser, Adelaide Fringe 2008

Come along. I'll be there.

While thinking about it listen to this classic.  Stab u by Mark Storen

• Sulking Sam Worthington Brilliant. Go here for all of them

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• The Levant and her Neighbors.  In the world of seemingly never ending travel blogs it easy to get a bit blaise and through that not discover the gems. I really enjoyed this one and was lucky enough to read it as it unfolded. Go and have a read, its a worthy way to spend an hour or so

• What the fuck is a sloth? Brilliant. Go here for the truth 

• Melbourne Fringe. I love fringes and have a special place in my grumpy heart for this one. Here's the Captains quick picks after my quick look through online

1. The Lounge Room Conflaburators
2. Women of Letters
3. Sammy J's new show
4. Passion Pop
5. Notes from Hell
6. Mrs Bang
7. Dances with worms
8. Babble
9.  Floating Narrative\
10. the-hermitude of angus ecstatic

Not an exhaustive list and not a biased one either I must add. A combination of good concepts, intriguing ideas and artists whose work I admire or am curious to see where it has gone to now.

Go on, go and see some shows. Book early and excite the artists. And for every friends show you see, why not see another of someone you don't know.

• Blobble wars Say goodbye to the rest of the afternoon. Play it here  

• This picture chokes me up every time I look at it

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

•  Vote 1 Love - a lovely new blog by uber talented cartoonist Michelle Baggas Baginski presenting cartoons reacting to political issues. Timely. Go here to be charmed

• Wookie Jacket Personally looking forward to the Jawa snuggie
  

 http://www.freshnessmag.com/2010/08/06/star-wars-x-adidas-originals-fallwinter-2010-wookie-jacket/

• Real World superheroes Only in America would people seriously think they could be superheroes. There's such winners as Hardwire, Danger Woman and of course Master Legend (of course). Personally I am a little bit of a fan of Enigma from Texas
  
  
  
  
  
  Enigma patrols San Antonio looking for any opportunity to do good. He posts his exploits at MySpace, where you can read about an incident earlier this year where he stopped a pair of car thieves. Enigma also lends his powers to environmental causes.
  although he isn't in the league of the Crimson Fist

 The Crimson Fist turned to his superhero practice after years of drugs and alcohol. By day he’s an IT programmer; by night he spends his time helping Atlanta. He wishes he could do more:

Don't we all, Don't we all

          Originally posted here  Go there's more of them.

• Jane Bot. Follow Jane on Twitter for a stream of hilariously pithy tweets or go to her site for the pics. Whatever. She's funny and makes me giggle 

• some things are beyond captioning

 

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/crazy-old-people

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Tigers high on catnip

 

• Ocean Fortress For Sale No man's an island, but for a few million you could have your very own ocean fortress…  

It's not everyday that a property offering both 360 degree sea views and the ability to withstand battleship firepower comes onto the market.But if you're sea-loving, uber-rich and ultra paranoid, the armour-plated No Man's Land should prove just the ticket as the ultimate seaside retreat.  The word quirky doesn't begin to cover this colossal 21 bedroom stronghold that lies in the Solent, about a mile off the coast of Portsmouth. 

The former fortress is currently on the market and is expected to fetch about £4 million 

• The world largest Swiss army knife

1. 2.5” 60% Serrated locking blade
2. Nail file, nail cleaner
3. Corkscrew
4. Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
5. Removable screwdriver bit adapter
6. 2.5” Blade for Official World Scout Knife
7. Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter
8. Removable screwdriver bit holder
9. Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
10. Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
11. Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
12. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5 mm x 3.5 mm
13. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6 mm x 4.0 mm
14. Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0 mm x 6.5 mm
15. Magnetized recessed bit holder
16. Double-cut wood saw with ruler (inch & cm)
17. Bike chain rivet setter
18. Removable tool for adjusting bike spokes, 10m hexagonal key for nuts
19. Removable 4mm curved allen wrench with Phillips head screwdriver
20. Removable 10mm hexagonal key
21. Patented locking Phillips head screwdriver
22. Universal wrench
23. Laser pointer with 300 ft. range
24. 1.65” Clip point utility blade
25. Metal saw, metal file
26. 4 mm allen wrench
27. 2.5” blade
28. Fine metal file with precision screwdriver
29. Double-cut wood saw
30. Cupped cigar cutter with double-honed edges
31. 12/20-Gauge choke tube tool
32. Watch caseback opening tool
33. Snap shackle
34. Telescopic pointer
35. Compass, straight edge, ruler (in./cm)
36. Mineral crystal magnifier with precision screwdriver
37. 2.4” Springless scissors with serrated, self-sharpening design
38. Shortix key
39. Flashlight
40. Fish scaler, hook disgorger, line guide
41. Micro tool holder
42. Micro tool adapter
43. Micro scraper-straight
44. Reamer
45. Fine fork for watch spring bars
46. Pin punch 1.2 mm
47. Pin punch .8 mm
48. Round needle file
49. Removable tool holder with expandable receptacle
50. Removable tool holder
51. Multi-purpose screwdriver
52. Flat Phillips head screwdriver
53. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5 mm x 3.5 mm
54. Spring loaded, locking flat nose nose-pliers with wire cutter
55. Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
56. Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
57. Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
58. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5 mm x 3.5 mm
59. Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6 mm x 4.0 mm
60. Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0 mm x 6.5 mm
61. Can opener
62. Phillips head screwdriver
63. 2.5” Clip point blade
64. Golf club face cleaner
65. 2.4” Round tip blade
66. Patented locking screwdriver, cap lifter, can opener
67. Golf shoe spike wrench
68. Golf divot repair tool
69. Micro straight-curved
70. Special tool holder
71. Phillips head screwdriver 1.5mm
72. Screwdriver 1.2 mm
73. Screwdriver .8 mm
74. Mineral crystal magnifier, fork for watch spring bars, small ruler
75. Removable screwdriver bit holder
76. Magnetized recessed bit holder
77. Tire tread gauge
78. Reamer/awl
79. Patented locking screwdriver, cap lifter, wire stripper
80. Special Key
81. Toothpick
82. Tweezers
83. Adapter
84. Key ring
85. Second key ring

Actual Size: 8.75 inches wide x 3.25 inches long. Weight: 2 pounds 11 ounces. Price: $1,200.00

          Personally happy to see it has a Reamer. Useful

• Star Trek meets the French Taunter
  
  
  
  
  

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Dancing Cybermen 

• I Can Pretend to Care Got a problem with life? Need a questions answered, then email in your questions to Lou Sanz at her excellent help column here. Informative, funny, caring.... what more could you want? (Cheese on toast arguably but let's not split hairs)
  

• Zombie garden sculpture Your fresh resin Garden Zombie comes packed in three pieces, and assembles in seconds to be placed anywhere in your garden! Order here

• Snoop dog is still awesome 

 

• Dumb tweets to celebrities. My personal favourite.

         More here

• This is Perth. A little old now but still a magnificent tribute to Perth, Western Australia, the city rightly named Dullsville

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Lindsay Lohan goes to prison game Lindsay shouldn’t be the only one to have all the fun in the slammer. Help everyone’s favorite vodka breather find cigarettes in prison while avoiding the other prisoners so she doesn’t get shanked. 

• Ginger and Honey It's a little known fact that the Captain has a deep love for the Australian country side and has spent a long time working in rural Australia when not following his calling to be a grumpy ranter

 Proof of the Captain in the outback. Leonora circa 2001

Writer Steph Convery has been a lucky bitch and traveling across the top of the country and writing  some of the most beautiful prose about the trip and her reactions to it on her blog

• Knitting Cafe I hate knitting and will stab you with the needles if you subject me to any aspect of it but I do love a good themed cafe like the knitting cafe in Newtown, a coffee and a yarn. Seriously its a brilliant idea, if only to keep knitters off the street

• Darth Vader robs a bank

http://gothamist.com/2010/07/22/darth_vader_robs_bank_photos_oh_yes.php

           Brilliant.

and while on the topic of our great Sith leader may I present Darth Vader and Princess Leia aprons. Yes! Aprons.

http://technabob.com/blog/2010/07/21/darth-vader-and-princess-leia-aprons/

Yes. I have ordered my Darth Vader one

• The greatest goal celebration ever

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

Lois the Corpse Flower I appreciate once you hear that Lois the Corpse flower is about to bloom you will immediately stop reading and this blog post will become an unread wasteland, but hey this is important. People need to know. Lois the Corpse Flower is about to bloom!

What is a corpse flower? Amorphophallus titanum, more politely referred to as titan arum or the corpse flower, has gained its celebrity status by having one of the largest, rarest, and smelliest flowers in the world. These flowers can reach heights of 7-10 ft and a diameter of 5-6 ft.

Or simply put the flower from Little Shop of Horrors. Yes. The flower that sings and eats everyone. Rock on! It's time we had an all singing mutant flower eating Americans.

For those who can't get enough of Lois and who obviously want to be first to see our eventual plant overlord in action as it eats the attendants of the Houston National History Museum there's a webcam here

Of course when it opens all hell will break lose and I vote the museum attendant who has been singing to it the first to go. Yes, you heard me, the Museum attendant singing to Loiss

I present

Ode to Lois
Written by Kelsey Williams

Get up extra early, just to see
That totally epic flower that’s taller than you or me
She sits in the Butterfly Center at HMNS
When she blooms you’ll smell her from a half mile radius
Oh, lois. Come on and let your corpse-smell flow-is.
Open up your petals ans show us.
Cuze we’ve been waiting one whole week
Runnin up flights of stairs to get a peek
Of Lois. Come on and let your corpse-smell flow-is.
Tunnin out of words that rhyme with Lois.
La la la la la la la la grow for us.

hurry up and bloom, alright? Or else they’re gonna start a fight
Ciz they’ve been waiting a while in line, to get a glimpse for which they pine
Of everybody’s favorite plant
Thanks for putting up with my rant
And thanks most of all, to Lois!

I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.

Oh goody there's a video of her singing. Click here. (Please Lois eat her first, Thanks C.A. Ranty Pants Esq)

Cow Cow Cow



Teddy Bear Picnic Awkward 

http://cheezpictureisunrelated.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/515e28da-af0f-4bb0-aa68-acf382205ba3.jpg

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Circumstances Where Whipping It Should Be Considered A Brilliant resource you all should use

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/circumstances-where-whipping-it-should-be-consider/ 

• Ruby Chewsday It's not just that this blog is charming, wryly funny and new on the scene that I draw your attention to it. No. It's because Ruby Chewsday is one of the most awesomenesst (yes its not a word. Piss off word nazis) dog names in the history of dog names. In fact I  declare it the best dog name ever alongside Chairman Miaow as the best cat name 
  
  
  
  
  
  

  and he's cute. (although he would be cuter with a big dog next to him)

• The Big Hoo Ha Starts in Melbourne tonight. Admittedly it's booked out for tonight but its on for another 9 weeks. Why should you go? Cause its impro unlike any other impro in Melbourne. Go. See. Laugh. Drink. Have fun.
  
  

  They have a Facebook page here. Join and hopefully they won't shower you with Farmville requests

  Polar Bears Eating Watermelons July is National Watermelon Month! Who knew? Who cares? (Probably not the watermelons cause they are getting eaten)  Anyway here are some pictures of polar bears eating watermelons. 

  

   

  Snoop Dogg Tried to Rent Liechtenstein. Enough said. The man is indeed awesome.

  Snoop was reportedly trying to shoot a music video in the tiny Western European country, but was rebuffed ... and not because trying to rent an entire country is a crazy thing to do. Says Liechtenstein property agent Karl Schwaerzler, "We've had requests for places and villages but never one to hire the whole country before. It would have been possible, but Snoop Dogg's management did not give us enough time." It would have been possible!

   

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Zombies Is there any wacky possibility that scientists, or people at large, take more seriously than Zombies? Seriously? Go here to a science blog which posts, in all seriousness, the details of a Zombie attack and how to avoid one. Including such great areas as the physics of Zombies chasing you

         Then there is Zombie keep Fit Classes 

          And so, two nights a week in a gymnastics studio in St. Charles, five to a dozen people               gather to run, jump, climb and vault up, over and around obstacles that stand in for the features of a city in the grip of a zombie infestation. They also undergo strength and conditioning training because zombies are relentless.

         Brilliant. Go here for more details

•  Make your own Martini Bar Thanks to ellymc for alerting me to this awesomeness

• Awkward Family Pet photos

http://awkwardfamilypetphotos.com

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Hair fun. Go here and waste many hours playing with this chaps hair

• Mr Shuffles. I visited Taronga Park Zoo, which i have renamed Taronga $$$$ Park Cash Register Zoo. I saw Mr Shuffle, ( or as he has been renamed Parti-hard Garth.) Yes, he is cute. Although i never saw him send a tweet.

• Man defends farm with homemade artillery From 300 yards out, Yang Youde fired a relentless, non-stop barrage of artillery.  The new-and-improved fireworks exploded with tremendous noise, smoke and colors, and his farm suddenly turned from a peaceful fishing hole to Omaha fucking Beach in the span of about ten seconds

   
          Awesome. Go here for full story.

• Twilight. Everyone knows I am not a fan of the stars of Twilight. But whats the movie about? Who cares! If you do, there's a brief outline here from the quite brilliant H. Anthony Hildebrand

•  and something's need no title 

 http://thisisphotobomb.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/129200601134670201.jpg

Zoos

I like Zoos.

I don 't like the fact we have to have Zoos but I do like a well planned Zoo. A Zoo which is contributing to sustaining animal species and educating. It's just a fucker that we have to be sustaining animals due to all of our greed and selfishness.Om every trip to any zoo the sadness of our collective greed always hits me.

I like Zoos which have a clear role in conservation. Zoos that educate and zoos which you can walk around and not see any animals because the big, and well planned, enclosures allow all of their animals a place to be alone. I don't like Zoos where people bang on the glass or get annoyed cause the monkeys are asleep. But that's more about the people than the Zoos.

I like animals. (except of course wombats) I have a particular fondness for tigers ( having hiked through tiger country), orangutans ( having my girlfriend of the time being pissed on one) , polar bears (blame Knut), otters and wolves.

I hate, to the point of loathing, people who use animals purely as attractions and novelties and have huge problems with aquariums and use of dolphins, killer whales and the other big mammals of the sea. I have a big issue with trained animals for entertainment and have little pity when a lion tamer has his name shown to be ironic.

I visit a lot of Zoos. Today I went to Taronga Park Zoo, partly to see if Mr Shuffles writes his own tweets and partly because I haven't been for years. It's not one of my favorite Zoos. Its good (and seemingly getting better) What are my favorite zoos you ask? In no particular order here are my top 5

1. Perth Zoo
There are a few reasons why I love Perth Zoo. Firstly I grew up in Perth and saw it go from horrid concrete enclosures with too many animals to a beacon of conservation holding the gene book, and great breeding success for Orangutans and Giraffes. I remember how miserable their old elephant Tricia was when I was a child and now she has a decent enclosure and is displaying much healthier behavior. I feel like I grew up with many of Perth Zoos animals and can recite all the Orangs names.

http://wanneroo.inmycommunity.com.au/

I also love Perth Zoo as I worked within its confines for three months and had the pleasure of visiting the Cheetah every morning before the Zoo opened. The cheetah would come over and sit by the glass and purr and I would feel closer to nature. It probably felt closer to a possible breakfast

2. Prague Zoo
I am torn with this as many things about Prague are great but their elephant enclosure was shite (although much better now I hear) but they have did have some amazing enclosures and a group of animals you don't see anywhere else including a wolverine which is cool as those little shits are nasteeeeeey.

It was also the place I heard a Galapagos turtle making the sweet sweet love. It went for the whole time I was at the Zoo (6 hours) and sounded like this

Mroowwwerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

silence of ten minutes

Mroowwwerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

silence of ten minutes

Mroowwwerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

silence of ten minutes

Mroowwwerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Incidentally the male Galapagos turtle fully extends his neck during intercourse.  I have no comment on this.

3. Edinburgh Zoo
I love this zoo as it has a clear policy of the animals it includes with the zoo. Including no elephants. I applaud this. They outline what they have and why they have it. The have Beavers which are great Zoo animals cause you will never see them. Never.

They also had the best Jaguar I have ever seen. Jaguars have big heads and are impressive and this one started at me among the rubberneckers as I sat staring at it.

4. Melbourne Zoo
Melbourne has an ostrich in the giraffe enclosure.  I love this both for the ostrichs non stop apologizing and I love animals that share. Its like the meercats in the giraffes in London Zoo and the artic fox which hung out with the polar bears in Dublin Zoo (or use to when I was last there)

I also like Melbourne because the Zoo is tranquil. With it little side areas it could be full but you would have no idea. I also know of two areas near the Gorilla enclosure where you can have a sneaky peek at them and quite often one looks back.

5. Whipsnade
You can get big animal overload at Zoos like Whipsnade. "Oh there's a field of 12 Rhinos" It's a good Zoo. They have a wolf pack enclosure which is awesome. What I particularly like about it is the fact there are roaming wallabies everywhere. In every enclosure (Lions aside) you will look out at green grass and wallabies. Sometimes the intended animal in the enclosure isn't there. Just wallabies

Bad Zoos? Well they don't deserve the press or my time but if I had my time again I would have taken over Bukitingi Zoo in Sumatra when I visited and made those animals lives so much better.

And to those loud complainers in Zoos that they spent good money and can't see the animals, if you are worried about spending money and not seeing them shouldn't you be more worried about them not existing anywhere in the world with no chance not to see them?

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Hadron Collider Most of you may have forgotten about this wondrous wind tunnel of time changing chaos but its still out there. Who knows what its doing? Maybe the world has ended and this is the ever after ( If so, disappointing, I expected more cheese.)

I love the Collider. I love the name, the way it likes a cross between a Viking and a defensive line backer. I love the fact that none of us really know why we need it. I love the reporting of it. How can you go past such wonders as Large Hadron Collider is 'being sabotaged from the future 
I love the fact it is listed among the 5 (yes 5) scientific experiments that may end the world (here they are just in case you are worried that your mixing of bicarb and vinegar may be in the top five)

But if some of you are worried. Don't be They have set up a website so you can see if it has destroyed the world yet. Has the large hadron collider destroyed the world yet?

and for those with a scientific bent there's a web cam of the Hadron Collider here

• Why Yogi the Bear never mentioned his Father

 

•  Creatures on Twitter I love the fact that a whole lot of people pretend to be animals. On any given day you can chat with a donkey (McDuffAus), a particularly nasty fly ( thatfuckingfly), a cat (sockington ) and a Dugong who types with his flippers (TynontheDugong )  There is also the eternally bewildered Mr Shuffles (MisterShuffles) and the yang to his ying (shufflesdrkside) But the best without a doubt, is the eternally wise Common Squirrel (common_squirrel)  "jump jump jump jump jump jump" wise words indeed.

• Martinis

   some things just make sense. (Although not enough olives in this photo)