Ewoks

A guest post by Jimmy the Jawa

Utinni!

Why I hate Ewoks (or as i like to call them the Dirty Furry Balls of Hate)

People often ask me Jimmy why do you hate the ewoks so much (they also ask me if they can buy droids which is bit insulting as I got sacked from the Sandcrawler years ago after a certain casual clothes Friday incident. Insensitive)'

Ewoks are smelly, rude, obnoxious and over hyped. I am sick of seeing yet another Star Wars merchandising bonanza including yet another ewok inclusion. Toys, clothes, books, cups, shoes, lplush things, next there will be the ewok tom tom. Its crap.

Type Jawa merchandise into Google and what do you get? Nothing. How are we ever meant to get out of the desert, out of these scratchy robes and into some fine threads without some royalties?

But its not just the economic inequality which annoys me or the fact they only appear in one movie while Jawas are all over the place (cause we are movie magic).

Ewoks are evil. Utinni? utinni! UTINNNIIIIIII

Yes. Evil. Remember Return of the Jedi? They were going to eat Han, Leia and Luke. Yes Nommy nom nom noms on the heroes. They eat humans! They weren't burning Vader as some sort of last rites, he was a BBQ for the party, to go with the stormtroopers shishkebabs

Have you ever wondered why there isn't any movies after. The little shitballs ate everyone. Thats right. Everyone. The whole new order to the universe became rissoles

Evil

and they smell like burnt hair

and eat with their mouths open.

and don't return their library books on time.

Ewoks. Dirty furry balls of hate

Utinni!!!!!!

and people say Jawas are bad. All we did was cruise around the desert, wave our arms in the air, sold a little second hand goods and shout utinni on select occasions. When did that become offensive? utinni

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Wampa Rug. 

Magnificent. And this one comes with an offer.

If you would like to be photographed naked on the Wampa rug, then send an email to make the appropriate arrangements. Please include the subject heading: "I would like to be photographed naked on a wampa rug". If I have enough responses I will publish a coffee table book entitled,  

"I Was Naked on a Wampa Rug. Vol I."

• Mark Storen's Cut to the Quick If you like your cabaret unconventional, sung by someone with the voice of an angel but the heart of the devil this is the one to come and see next Saturday night (18th of September)

 Here's a preview

and some details

An original, demented cabaret, that takes a peek at unrequited love gone wrong. From the milkman who finds the shoes on the other foot, to a man who's lover leaves him for the Eiffel tower, this interactive, chaotic, musical adventure examines the plight of the jilted lover.

"If Martyn Jacques ever pulled the pin from the Tiger Lillies, his two confreres could do a lot worse than give Mark Storen a call to replace him." The West Australian.

Mark Storen's A Drunken Cabaret, **** Time Out New York/ 2009 New York International Fringe festival.

"A Philosophical and funny look at the taboo space where love turns homicidal. Impressively Incorrect." Mark Storen's A Drunken Cabaret, **** The Advertiser, Adelaide Fringe 2008

Come along. I'll be there.

While thinking about it listen to this classic.  Stab u by Mark Storen

• Sulking Sam Worthington Brilliant. Go here for all of them

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

•  Vote 1 Love - a lovely new blog by uber talented cartoonist Michelle Baggas Baginski presenting cartoons reacting to political issues. Timely. Go here to be charmed

• Wookie Jacket Personally looking forward to the Jawa snuggie
  

 http://www.freshnessmag.com/2010/08/06/star-wars-x-adidas-originals-fallwinter-2010-wookie-jacket/

• Real World superheroes Only in America would people seriously think they could be superheroes. There's such winners as Hardwire, Danger Woman and of course Master Legend (of course). Personally I am a little bit of a fan of Enigma from Texas
  
  
  
  
  
  Enigma patrols San Antonio looking for any opportunity to do good. He posts his exploits at MySpace, where you can read about an incident earlier this year where he stopped a pair of car thieves. Enigma also lends his powers to environmental causes.
  although he isn't in the league of the Crimson Fist

 The Crimson Fist turned to his superhero practice after years of drugs and alcohol. By day he’s an IT programmer; by night he spends his time helping Atlanta. He wishes he could do more:

Don't we all, Don't we all

          Originally posted here  Go there's more of them.

• Jane Bot. Follow Jane on Twitter for a stream of hilariously pithy tweets or go to her site for the pics. Whatever. She's funny and makes me giggle 

• some things are beyond captioning

 

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/crazy-old-people

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• 9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex Just in case you needed some more reasons here they are for you. I would think the facts they never pay and always tell you the end of movies would be enough reasons 

• Bored Olives An email love story A chap finds an old computer and gets entranced by emails between a couple then posts them to a blog one at a time 

• The Big Caption News photos with clever captions on them. 

• Star Wars LOLs Every day another oh so funny Star Wars picture appears. ( And as everyone knows this is not a new area of interest for me)

          Some quick highlights

 

To begin with there are such wondrous postings like Proof the Main Star Wars Characters Are Dumber Than a Bag of Hammers

On twitter there is a whole sub community of star wars geeeks. Just search #starwars to see the wonder unfold. Some characters converse is character. which is, well, disturbing and arguably the average age would mean most of them weren't alive (or their parents) when Stars Wars came out but there is some gold out there.

A few highlights

• @JabbaTheHutt Any interest in bingo nights at the palace?
• @the_jawa Once more picked wrong choice for casual clothes day. Wrapped myself in a bathmat and  came as an ewok. Awkward silence in tea room
• @SarlaccBeast THROW YOUR TENTACLES IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DONT CARE! AAAGG! SAND IN MY MOUFFFF AGAIN! DO NOT WANT!

 and lastly the magnificence that is geeeks dressing up as Star Wars characters and dancing like fools

          Oh Nerrdds keep it coming I say! (I have always wanted to lead a tour bus full of Darth Vaders.)

• The Big Hoo Haa I may not be an expert but i have seen a lot of improv and I think this group is among the best in Australia, and they turn 8 this week. If you are in Perth go ( if it hasn't sold out0 If you ever go to Perth then plan to spend your Saturday night at their home at Lazy Susans

          I hear rumors of their 10th birthday plans

Conspiracy Theories

I love a good conspiracy theory.

I believe

• that Jim Morrison is still alive and living with the head of Walt Disney and Lord Lucan in Santiago, Chili. They play a lot of cribbage I hear
• that the world is run secretly by Yales Skull and Bones society and they are secretly manipulating for panty raids to be curriculum. 
• that Tom Cruise is real and not an animation
• that a chiropractor can actually fix all complaints with their all purpose utility tool
• And of course aliens walk among us. (cross reference Perez Hilton)

I am obviously open minded, (so open minded that things can land in my open skull and birds shit in it.) I romanticize that Big Foot is out there, if only for the sub genre of romantic fiction that has emerged about him (or her) to become recognized as literature and not just the crap writings of some really really weird people from America. ( Heck it happened for Charlene Harris)

I know the Loch Ness monster exists. His name is Hugh but he now works for the Ministry for the Interior filing and Hanger 18 is actually next door to Hanger 17 and that’s where all the good things are and yes there was multiple gunmen who killed Kennedy ( but who were they really aiming at?)

Of course my father was a Freemason and thus aside from the secret handshake (put your left arm on your right elbow when gripping the persons left hand and simultaneously emit a whiny noise while crossing your eyes and then you will become a captain of industry) as a result I do indeed know all the secrets of the Universe (and those i don't i just Google

What I didn’t know was this

This is obviously big and disturbing news

Or George Lucas is really going to kill the Star Wars franchise with some really out there prequels

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Shark sleeping bag Nearly as good as the Tauntun one Who wouldn't like to sleep in a Giant Shark? Figuratively speaking of course. I look forward to the slumber party Whale version with the child sized Groper backpack. Heck lets go for the crocodile snuggy! I've always fancied sleeping in a giant pike.

• Jar Jar Binks- Come on he isn't the shitest Star Wars character ever or the most obviously rascist stereotypical character ever  in movies (Transformers 2? Anyone? anyone?) He may be annoying and all his dialogue ends in "-eesa" and yes he may be the poster boy (thing..uhm creature..uhm animation) for all the crapness in the Star Wars prequels but he did cause this reaction. Which is as funny as it is scary. For those who do hate feel free to go here
• Obviously the Zombie apocalypse will soon be on us. Are you prepared? Have you started stockpiling supplies? Have you decided between the remote outpost or holing up inner city? Worked out the 5 people in the Tarago with you? (sorry Tegan I've dropped you as your nursing skills have been outweighed by Bek. She's a Doctor) Shotgun versus pistol? Have you got one of these? 

•  Barbie’s Unflattering Photos – She’s Not So Perfect After All!
• Tynon the Dugong. Ahh Twitter the only place you can chat with an elephant, follow a garden squirrel and be abused by Tyler Durdon everythign you tweet the words Fight Club. Tynon types all off his tweets with his flippers. Hard to read but he seems a nice enough chap.
• Lastly the highlight of recent photos over at Awkward Family Photos