From the bowels

A blog post flashback. Written for University of  Western Australia Pelican mag circa 1997

What options are there for a pagan like myself on al ong Easter weekend? Swancon. What is a Swancon you cry? Swancon is Perth’s very own science fiction and fantasy convention where sci-fi fans (some nerds), literature fans (mostly nerds), manga fans (anime nerds), comic readers (nerds) and gamers (NERDS) get together.

Pelican would like to state the opinions made in this article are solely the views of the writer and not of the editorial team in general. We in fact think it is derogatory and demeaning to call all these groups of people nerds when it is plainly obvious some are dags, geeks and others are just weird.

So Swancon here I come. I was very keen to keen to get the T-shirt, especially seeing last years looked like a flying penis. Clever social satire or crappy screen-printing? I dunno but I wanted whatever they were serving up.

I chose Saturday to be my day of joy. I didn’t think my excitement meter could last the full pulse-pounding (see just the thought had me talking in comic book descriptions) weekend! I grabbed the program and excitedly scanned the list of guests. Robert Silverburg! Excellent I’d never read his books but he’s famous and doesn’t his books have those half clad chicks on the cover! Hmmmm half clad barbarian chicks

And look at all the rest of the guests there’s ….some chick who edits with Robert. Great she should be…interesting and look there’s…a famous sci fi fan and another famous sci fi fan. Great. Okay there was a lot of people who I’d never heard off and must be really famous to the organisers but hey I’m sure they are great and it’s Perth and we couldn’t expect lots of famous people.

There was also the thrill of all the panel discussions. Such subjects like “We was cross dressing before you were born”, “Coming out as a fan fiction writer” and the ever favorite “Famous crash landings in science and science fiction”. Hold on, there was some important topics missing! Where was “ How to dress to blend into the crowd”, “Junk food through the ages” and “picking up a live, warm one”.

I made a note to have a chat to the organisers about their oversight noting down “ Goths; Just nerds in black?”, “Words to get you out of social situations” and the essential “ Internet Porn; Can you claim it on your tax” as other important topics for future Swancons.

Now I have to break it to you softly but I picked the wrong day for “How to make foam rubber weaponry” but I have instigated a petition for it to be a weekly meeting. Email your plea for this vital societal service to Iwanttohitpeoplewithsillythings@yahoo.com.

I also missed the “Godzilla; through the ages”, a this is your life type presentation. Unfortunately the big fella couldn’t be in attendance. But the organisers had organised a stuffed blue tongue to stand in for him though I heard he wasn’t too good with the lip synching (or maybe that was he was too good with it)

I did manage a quick visit to the gamers lounge (okay a little bit of an oxymoron) where the fun guys (and I’m not generalizing with that term) had organised many fun games for all. After three seconds of scanning the room, noticing the sheer amount of caffeine on the table and the general fugue in the room I made my polite excuses (“Okay, I’m outta here!”) and left.

Now before you all picket the Pelican offices in a rage. I saw a lot of people at Swancon who it would be incorrect to call nerds and it was great the other guests at Rydges felt comfortable enough to walk through the hotel still. And not all gamers are lacking all social graces. And there are normal people who read comics. It’s just a pity you can count these exceptions on your thumbs.

Of course there is nothing wrong with being a nerd. Quite frankly if I had a choice between Swancon and the social pages of the Perth weekly I’d be putting on the pocket protector and dancing down to Geeksville.

Okay I admit it I was one. I’ve come out. You happy now. I miss it. I want to drink too much coke, play too much Dungeon and Dragon, argue if star trek is better than star wars, quote far too many Monty Python sketches and go quiet whenever a girl comes within a two mile radius of me. I want to throw out my cool clothes and remember how sensible breast pockets are and why over coats are so useful. I’m getting Mum to cut my hair and I’m going back.

So next month look forward to my informative article “ Cool people, why you suck” Gyuck gyuck gyuck.. Now where’s my old D and D character?

From the Bowels

A blog post flashback. Originally written for Tribe Online - circa 2000

It was like rites of passage. 

The time when you went into Perth without any adult influence, no parents, no siblings, nothing. Just you and your buddies and the wonder that is Perth. You wanted to do everything and when somebody came up to you and said  "Do you want to do a personality test?" You said " Yeah, I'm hip, I'm here, I'm nearly an adult! Lets do it"

Of course then you found out it was for the Church of Scientology and decided it was time to go and ride on some more escalators

Years later and you're still allowed to go to Perth without grown-ups and people still ask you if you would like a personality test. You would think after years of polite but firm no's the folks from Scientology land would have given up but no! They are still here, still trying. You've got to admire their persistence, so damn it, I did the personality test!

So there I was in Perth, tuckered out from riding all the elevators I could and the inevitable question was asked. " Yes, I would love to do your test". So after I resuscitated the questioner, I went up to the Churches Perth headquarters  ready to bare my personality to what ever testing was to be done ( and quietly hoping it didn't involve disposable gloves)

Now lets take a moment here to outline a couple of salient facts. Fact one; I'm not big with the C word. I'm not sure what they've given us beside some very nice buildings, men wearing frocks and a couple more holidays in summer. Weigh that up next to the Inquisition, the Crusades and nice men with bicycles knocking on my door on Sundays and well, the jury's out.

Fact two; I have problems with ologys. Theology, Radiology, Raymond Ology (If you knew him you'd understand) and I'm sorry, was Scientology going to be any different. I knew little about it. Something to do with L Ron Hubbard, John Travolta and a dogged desire to test our personalities.

The Church of Scientology was the brainchild of L. Ron Hubbard and grew from his personality wellness theories found in Dianetics.  The theology behind  Scientology is based on the premise. Only those things which one finds true for himself are true. A kind of choose your own religion.

The Church prides itself on it being a voyage of  self-discovery, as should be the personality test or Auditing as it's known. Through this auditing the individual appreciates the questions facing him or her and gains an appreciation for where the answers may be found and ultimately answers these questions.

So there I was ready and eager to be audited, appreciate my questions and, god dammit, find some answers. Or at the very least talk about myself a bit. Two hundred questions later and I was tested. Now I don't want any of you buggers cheating, so if you're planning to do the test, miss the next paragraph.

Some interesting questions on "Do I get muscle spasms?", " Am I unsettled by night noises" and "What's my opinion on the open plan prison system? (the what!). Disappointingly I didn't get the questions " Have I seen Phenomenon?, " Do I like sci-fi novels" and "What will be my earning capacity be in the next few years?" All of which would have got quite negative answers.

So? What did my test say? I was inconsistent with my answers, not very responsible but I was very certain of myself. I was also Active, Aggressive and Appreciative! So much alliteration! I must rock. So I actively thanked my questioner, gave him an appreciative wave and told him "Let me out of here or I'll deck you!" Nothing like fitting your stereotype

"Of course we would like to talk to you more about your test. We feel there is much more insight to be gained. I think we need to talk some more.

So. I'm still running

If you are interested to test your personality and see how many A words you get or maybe you want to find out more about what the fine folks at the Church of Scientology are on about, go down to your local chapter. Of course, if your lazy, log onto the net and do the test at the official Scientology website. Of course you won't get the human touch there or is it the human grab and cling onto?

Me? I now know what I missed out on all those years ago. Now if I can only get a kiss from Karen Luton, my young teenage years would be complete.

The Captain wrote this many.,many many years ago. Back in the days when people paid you to write for websites, then they found out that it wasn't a good paying model and went out of business.  

When I originally wrote this I got a couple of lovely emails from the chaps at the church. they thought I was being slyly rude. Me? Rude? Never

Have you given the Captain a virtual sneaky beer for Febfast yet? I am half way to my target