Ten easy steps to be a social networking expert

1. Make sure you follow everyone back who follows you on one of your multiple twitter accounts as anyone with a lot of followers must be great! Right on! Also show your sincere thanks for their vote towards your online awesomeness by sending them an automatic DM hello! which shows your sincerity, sincerely speaking.

2. Name drop the next social networking thing at every opportunity, regardless of a) if it exists, b) if it works and/or c) you have any idea what it does. If you don't know what the next one is, make it up as its not like anyone actually can use a search engine like you.

3. Keep your facebook profile open because everyone wants to see your photos because you are awesome even though "facebook is so over now its all about (refer point 2)

4. Make sure your profile has the disclaimer "the views on this account are my own" despite the irony of the fact that you 'work' for yourself.

5. Be confident that irony isn't a new social networking site so you don't need to know it.

6. Talk in the real world with the same self centred assuredness that you have online where you retweet all mentions of yourself and like to repost other peoples thoughts as your own because they just said what you were thinking.

7. Don't admit that you ever used My Space.

8. Freely use terms like forward thinking, analytics, click-through and online brand reputation management. If challenged about any of these do a smug chuckle and action point 2

9. Develop a smug chuckle

10. and if all else fails you can always sell snake oil, a bridge or winnings in a lottery from the UK

Ten easy steps to be a pub trivia host

1. Add an O to your name or if impossible due to your level of education to understand this concept and the issue with consonants then shorten your name and add a The to it

2. Arrive late to the night and look generally angry and annoyed prior to actually starting so as to endear your self to everyone in the room

3. Set up sound equipment loudly and annoyingly. To maximize this stage make sure sound equipment is faulty and/or you have no aptitude with setting it up. Remember play all sound cues at this stage as you test equipment.

4. Open up the night with an apology. Some ideas being

• apologising that Davo isn't here this week and you are the stand in host although you have         done it for 8 weeks in a row
• apologising for poor sound equipment (see point 3) and the fact it isn't working still
• apologising for some unforeseen issue with the venue ignoring the fact they are paying your wage
• Just a random apology. Make it open ended

5. Start with a lame current affairs joke. Cyclone are funny especially ones happening during that night and which may be killing people. LOL.

6. For questions you don't understand, give hints because obviously you are the smartest person in the room and everyone else needs help.

7. Direct all banter to the group of guys to your left cause they are cool and you want to be accepted by them.

8. But don't forget the two cute girls are cute so go and read their answers and provide subtle hints.

9. Jokes retold from the weekend papers are always funny

10. Know that one day you will be discovered and your career as an entertainer will spring to life