I liked them before they were famous

Oh you like I liked them before they were famous

Is there anything more pratty, more annoying, more donker like than this line (1) Usually delivered by some dickhead who is desperately clawing onto their coolness as they become as relevant as beta max (look it up kids. Not relevant)

Just because you happened to be in a bar when this band was playing seeing your boyfriend/ girlfriends failed pop/ polka fusion band doesn't make you any better of a person. It was just plain lucky. And there are no awards for being an early adopter. None. Its not like evolution, just cause you grow legs and walk first it doesn't mean you wont end up back in the primordial shit like the rest of us (2)

And do you think the band will care that you knew them before they were famous? They are probably embarrassed by their early albums! Have you listened to U2's Boy? Have you! And we all know the "i knew them since" is only the first line in the paragraph that ends " i liked their older stuff better than their newer stuff"

Who cares when you made your opinion. Does it influence me? No.

Nearly as annoying is

I know someone in the band

Anyone who most point out they know anyone famous is quite obviously a prat. And not famous, although secretly they aspire for fame. But there is no benefit from name dropping dipshit! AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE FAMOUS!

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(1) Well yes, and i have pointed most of them out but for the sake of this argument lets say yes.
(2) To be honest I don't understand that metaphor either but work with me. I'm ranting

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Dancing Cybermen 

• I Can Pretend to Care Got a problem with life? Need a questions answered, then email in your questions to Lou Sanz at her excellent help column here. Informative, funny, caring.... what more could you want? (Cheese on toast arguably but let's not split hairs)
  

• Zombie garden sculpture Your fresh resin Garden Zombie comes packed in three pieces, and assembles in seconds to be placed anywhere in your garden! Order here

• Snoop dog is still awesome 

 

• Dumb tweets to celebrities. My personal favourite.

         More here

• This is Perth. A little old now but still a magnificent tribute to Perth, Western Australia, the city rightly named Dullsville

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

• Lindsay Lohan goes to prison game Lindsay shouldn’t be the only one to have all the fun in the slammer. Help everyone’s favorite vodka breather find cigarettes in prison while avoiding the other prisoners so she doesn’t get shanked. 

• Ginger and Honey It's a little known fact that the Captain has a deep love for the Australian country side and has spent a long time working in rural Australia when not following his calling to be a grumpy ranter

 Proof of the Captain in the outback. Leonora circa 2001

Writer Steph Convery has been a lucky bitch and traveling across the top of the country and writing  some of the most beautiful prose about the trip and her reactions to it on her blog

• Knitting Cafe I hate knitting and will stab you with the needles if you subject me to any aspect of it but I do love a good themed cafe like the knitting cafe in Newtown, a coffee and a yarn. Seriously its a brilliant idea, if only to keep knitters off the street

• Darth Vader robs a bank

http://gothamist.com/2010/07/22/darth_vader_robs_bank_photos_oh_yes.php

           Brilliant.

and while on the topic of our great Sith leader may I present Darth Vader and Princess Leia aprons. Yes! Aprons.

http://technabob.com/blog/2010/07/21/darth-vader-and-princess-leia-aprons/

Yes. I have ordered my Darth Vader one

• The greatest goal celebration ever

You shit me

The Cast of Twilight

woooo we work too hard

woooo everyone tells us what to do on each movie

woooo we are all to busy

woooo the paparazzi follows up when we go to parties

woooo everyone tries to friend us on facebook

Cast of Twilight get over yourselves you whingeing, whining bunchy of complaining gen y shits. Enjoy the scant extra time added to your 15 minutes cause when the movies run out its a life of conventions for you.

and

THE MILLIONS YOU MAKE WOULD FEED MANY, MANY FAR HAPPIER AND HUMBLE PEOPLE

PS Kristen Stewart go eat a sandwich and cheer the frack up

An Open Letter

Dear Tom Cruise

Hope you are well.

I recently had a little poll on my blog (Rants from the Grumpy Side of Life) I expect Katie follows it as she seems a little grumpy. A lot of the time.

Anyway, it was a poll which the readers of the afore mentioned blog could vote on a simple questio....voting? It's a funny old thing which allows people to have opinions. Definitely pointless if you were keen on a hierarchical religious doctrine. Not that you are. No.

Anyhoo the questions was "who shits you more? And it was between you, Jaimie Oliver ( his English. Have you heard of them?) Captain Jean Luc Picard (fictional character. Fictional like your marriage to Nicole Kidman) and my neighbor Ian. I don't think you know him. So it was out of the four of you.

and you won

yay!!!

Well done, you shit off more readers of my blog than Jamie (who is an unctuous little do gooding prick who uses two ingredients too many and uses the term rustic way too much) who came second. In fact you won by almost double. Go you!

I personally was surprised it wasn't my childhood neighbor Ian, as Ian was/wouldstillbe  a complete fracker and i hate him but as a) no one knows him and b) no one really knows me he was never really in with a chance. Plus look at the opposition? You! You don't come over well in interviews, you are a little weird and you are, frankly speaking, short. And you have that weird smug look all of the time that makes people want to punch you on the nose. You know that look that you get when you have to talk with someone you don't want to but you pretend to look interested? Yeah? That's the look you have. Makes people want to lean down and bop you on the nose. Non violent people too. Nice people. I bet Natalie Portman would want to punch you and there's no one nicer than her.

What can you do about it? Not much really. You shit people off. Yes, you were good in Magnolia and Tropic Thunder but you did marry Nicole Kidman, if only fictionally

Yours Sincerely

 Captain Angry Ranty Pants

Lists

I should start out by saying this isn't a rant against to-do lists. I love them. Every day when I arrive at work, another worker day slave to da man, I like to make myself a to-do list

1. make a to do list
2. confirm to do list
3. review to do list
4. tick off item one
5. confirm ticking off number one

See? There's organisation and achievement right there,

What I am annoyed about today (oh, aside from ridiculously big baby strollers, patchouli and the fact beer isn't tax deductible) is celebrity lists. You know the one where some c or b grader who has a new project is pushed out by their publicist to tell us about their ten favorite things or the objects they have to have. Each weekend magazine has one, with slight tweaks on the same theme and they are all the same.

"oh here's a photo of my family who keep me grounded and here's a picture from childhood and here's some art I got a the markets but i'll pretend i got it form an exotic destination so you think i am both well traveled and rounded and books so you know i read and of course theirs a keepsake and the photo of my partner and if i don't have partner here's my pet to show you my compassion. Also i cook, cooking's popular with the plebeians at the moment isn't it?, and here's my fanciest piece of equipment aside form my microwave but they are so passe. "

They are always the same. Every. Single. Time. Now I will accept the possibility that the typing monkeys (no offense to Typing Monkey tm) at the papers are just getting some happy snaps then rocking out a series of pre written answers with slight variations.

Oh shes an athlete then we better either have books, art or some sort of cultural thing in shot. Do the have a guitar maybe? Model? Better have a shot of her Creusset pan. Politician? Ground them with something fun and informal. Maybe a toy from childhood?

They are always the same. Every. Single. Time. And okay maybe there is a universality among all of us or maybe cause there are so many you don't remember the highlights (Hell I have even done one in a former life. I would like to point out at this point I did lie a little. I didn't own the dog. Feel better after that confession)

No. I have thought about it and they are all boring and so samey samey yawn yawn. A stunning highlight of the beigeness of Australian 'celebrities'. Wheres the interest? The curiosity? The novelty?

I would love to see more with this sort of action

2. Grizzly Bear Hide; Oh i got this when shooting bears in Siberia. My gun jammed and i wrestled with this. Oh we laughed, then me and Putes' (that's what i call Putin) drunk Vodka and bare fist fought. As you do

or even a little some brutal honesty
5. Photo of Family. Well they aren't my family per se but they are a little overweight, and way too western suburban, and would compromise my existing contracts so we got this model family in instead. Nice aren't they.

or the right to the point

8. Shoes Oooooh I love shoes because i am such a vacuous cow that its all about appearance with me. Its where all my money goes, looking fabulous. Charities? I am my own charity and I make people happy by being me so i don't need to give people money do I!

An open letter

Dear Ridley Scott,

In regards to your latest blockbuster - Robin Hood

Shit. Seriously. Crap

 A few dot points why

1.  It wasn't even close to the Robin Hood story. Which is forgivable if your replacement made me go "gees I wish this was the Robin Hood story" But i didn't. For two reasons (1) your story was shit and (2) i never use the phrase gees
2. You had arguably 90 minutes of movie which you massaged into 2:40hrs worth of self important quasi political drizzle. Its like a bloated reality TV show which takes an hour to tell you what you could know in 10 minutes.
3. The Robin Hood legend does mention a little more archery than in this movie
4. Rusty Crowes Accent? Its about as English as Nicole Kidmans is Australian

Please return my money spent on this movie ( I also bought a popcorn but am happy to cover that cost as it had more substance, character development and plot than your movie and as such was more enjoyable)

Now go and sit yourself down and watch Alien. Which is arguably closer to the Robin Hoods story than this one (1)

Congrats on your impending Rotten Tomato award btw. 

Yours

Captain Angry Ranty Pants

 

1. Not really but so angry I am not making much sense

Jessica Watson

Sometime today a 16 year old (soon to be 17)  girl will sail into Sydney Harbor and become the poster child for Australian ambition.

"Our " Jessica will have broken the record for youngest person who has sailed non stop around the world, as all of our papers will trumpet. Last week we doubted, today we celebrate but tomorrow some will return to doubt, especially the media outlets who haven't had their deals accepted.We like to poke holes, keeps people from getting ahead of themselves

Firstly hooray for Jessica. This girl has gone through nearly a year of her life not being talked to, in isolation, no one understanding what she is going through. Arguably all teenagers feel they go through this but not many smell of salt and battle constant seas sickness.

Horray!

and  hooray for all of us for believing in her when she announced her ambition, cause that us, we Australians we believe people and love ambition. We love the visionary, the daring and the bold. We look at them and think "hooray we support you and believe you will do this great thing. Go you


of course we do.

....hooray?

If it was up to Australia and the 'Australian spirit' we wouldn't have landed on the moon, built the great wall or had any one explore anything much. "You are going off exploring new frontiers? Breaking new ground? Bit up yourself aren't you?"

Now of course some of our doubts about Jessica  ( lets call her Jess its more marketable) was that she was a young girl doing a scary thing and shouldn't her Mother know better.And there was the thought that it would cost the tax payers money to go rescue her when she inevitably came to grief. There would be definitely some new editors disappointed that that package they had ready just in case' will never be used. Fair calls but was it the cost and the obvious lack of maternal instinct? or the fact someone announced they were going to do something truly beyond our understanding. sail around the world or was it the fact they announced their ambition?

Australians don't like ambition. "Bit up yourself aren't you?" If you are going to be a great Australian go and do it silently and tell us after you have achieved (go to www.australianachievements/FAQ to see the achievements we will recognise. Obviously reality TV and sport figure prominently. The science and humanities pages of the website will be up shortly) We will happily, and eagerly, jump on board the bandwagon at this point but do be prepared, the bandwagon will only last for a short while unless you seem like someone we could hang out with, and you are not up yourself. We love a good bloke or a down to earth chick.


abut back to our Jess, "our" Pink Lady (c),  welcome home. You will have quite the month of celebrations and celebrity. Be prepared to meet politicians (our premier is the one with the practical haircut) , famous Australians, pasty sailors (expect to meet the still alive team of Australia2 from something called the Americas Cup. Wikipedia it) and of course you will meet some B listers trying to stay in the public eye. Hooray for success.

You will also make a little money, which is good. One advice be more selective with choosing what to talk about and support and not so Goodram in your choices.

and be assured if it is all too overwhelming it will fade away.Few months and it will get quiet. There will be footage of you at the New Years Eve package and a few appearances here and there and then...well life goes on as 'normal'.

except maybe for young 15 year old Hailey from Gladesville who is by the harbor today enjoying the celebration and thinks to herself. "I can do something. Something big. Something extraordinary" Hooray for her

Maddox Pitt-Jolie-Growinguptobeweirdlooking

Oh dear

Is it just me or are these kids growing up needing photoshop

or did they just take Maddoxes head out for the day on the boat?

or are they just puppets?

or has Maddox just found out something about Angies cans that we all suspected

whatever. All i can say is

eeeeek!

Declaration of War

Dear Head of State (titular and otherwise), elected officials, and citizens of Delta Goodrem

Please accept this as a formal declaration of war. Effective immediately. (Or Friday depending on weather and if I have to do the shopping or not)

I appreciate this may come as somewhat of a surprise and could be seen as an unwarranted escalation in hostilities but we feel you have left us with no choice. You have forced this decision on us. History will view it as such and judge us, and yourselves, accordingly.

For clarity sake let us map what you have done to lead us to this

We overlooked your flowyskirti’monneighbours stage as purely the outpouring of a young naïve presence finding their way in the world

We did comment at a roundtable about your early music career and counselled against you continuing it but showing the rash behaviour that you are known for and the completed disregard of the International Convention on Soapie Actors singing (or as it is more commonly known the Craig McLaughlan Clause 1992) you insisted on releasing several albums. While I didn’t listen to them or radio stations which had you on rotation I know too many words to Born to Try.

We briefly pitied you when you dated Mark Philiuseless and sent the appropriate trade and aid

We withdrew our Ambassador and closed all trade deals after your ridiculous mimed appearance at the Empire Games, insulting us and all other nations. Including the Indians who were affronted. Affronted! See, now you made me use an exclamation mark

Obviously we had our détente period when you left the area and McFaddined yourself as well as ‘grew into your face’ Much like Danni Minogue grew into her breasts and Joan Rivers continues to grow into her face(s)

But

You have returned, with the McFaddin (who is only slightly annoying than you cause he has a funny accent) and am now insisting on being on Television. All the time

• I drink soy milk
• I play the wii
• I have ears

Please know the war will follow in the conventions of international engagement and we will conduct ourselves much as we did in the Tina Arena conflict of 2004

You may surrender but I demand

1. you leave to a country immediately which doesn’t have recognised quality media outlets, we never hear much from and I will never go to. May I suggest America. Utah. Join the Osmonds maybe. Why not.
2. Take the Mcfaddin. Please

In the words of Richard the 2^nd. “A horse , my kingdom for a horse. “ Which has nothing to do with this declaration of war but I thought the inclusion of a Shakespeare quote made me seem more regal and give a certain gravitas to the situation.

Regards

Captain Angry Ranty Pants

An open letter

Dear everyone associated with he’s not that into you

I would like my money back ($11 Australian) as I have recently seen your film and it was nothing like the preview I saw. I am expressing my displeasure

The preview led me to believe that

1. it was a funny lighthearted comedy, edging on rom com (a genre I don’t particularly like but can go into if its an ensemble piece or doesn’t have Hugh Grant in it)
2. It had a lot of Drew Barrymore in. An actor who I respect both for her comic timing, always playing the same character and the fact she marries some very unique individuals
3. a clever expose on the 21^st century dating world including online dating.

Now lets admit it

1. not funny.
2. Drew not in it enough, and despite the over exposure of Scarlett. I think this is an inexcusable omission. I know Jen Anniston has good comic timing, plays the same character and has gone out with some unique individuals but she hasn’t married them thus the problem. John Mayer is no Tom Green
3. One scene about My Spacing doesn’t not make a clever expose. It was more an awkward attempt by some 40 something’s to be hip

There was much more to dislike but I will leave my rantings to your obvious breaking of the contract between us vis a vis the preview and the movie.

Congratulations though on not casting Lindsay Lohan or featuring Penguins, two movie techniques I despise. Also please pass my compliments to the Art Director for making it really obvious who lived in each house by the design. It’s nice to see work experience kids get a shot these days and it was lovely of your associate producers to write the script. Writers? Pointless.

But back to the preview, something that should in some way fairly represent the movie otherwise you are a dirtystinkingnogoodliar and if that’s the way you want to operate well so be it. But you won’t have any friends. Not even Paris Hilton. and shes friends with anyone. Anyone.

Now some movies I know will have shown me all the jokes in the preview and I don’t need to see it (reference any movie by Adam Sandler, Jim Carreys later work and the Ice Age trilogy) but I really think you have let me down in this instance.

I expect an apology, a refund and a undertaking that the next film preview you make won’t be so obviously wrong or a complete removal from the movie industry business.

Yours truly,

Captain Ranty Pants

You shit me

• Nigella Lawson -Her recipes have ridiculous names, her children look like a cross between the stepford children and muppets, her food tastes crap and she quite obviously doesn't eat what she cooks and she has a silly name. But at least she isn't Jamie Oliver
  

Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week

1. Online petition to save Paris Hilton; Frankly i am just impressed she has that many friends and fan who can write
2. Online petition to make sure Paris Hilton serves her jail term. Some thing's just make sense
   
3. City of Poo. Melbourne is using so much grey water the sewerage isn't flowing and causing odours. The world of tomorrow people, the world of tomorrow
4. Cane Toad; One found in Melbourne. Super good fun. Hope he likes the smell of poo
5. Foozy Boo; He's a friend for me and you