Same Sex marriage

Seriously. Why not? Why can't there be same sex marriage? Give me one good reason? Go on!

Why can't two chaps who both like Mariah Carey be allowed to become a legal unit? Hmm? Anyone? Anyone?

Why shouldn't they be allowed to set a date, panic about who to invite, argue with their parents, save all their money, stress over picking a venue, worry over what to feed people, argue over the wedding invite, rewrite the invite list to include weird old Uncle Kevin, find out their venue is overbooked, wonder if they should have a grooms party, pick a menu, change the menu, chase the venue cause they never ring back, rewrite the invite list to exclude weird old Uncle Kevin, find a celebrant, write vows, chase up peoples addresses, spend a day of hell working out the wedding registry, argue over the wedding registry, rewrite the invite list to include weird old Uncle Kevin again,rewrite vows, wonder why your ring can't be a Flash ring, empty their bank accounts to pay the deposit on your 'cheap' venue, realize Uncle Kevin is dead, not be stressed, realize that even a small wedding with no fuss is actually a big fuss, be stressed, rewrite vows to exclude the lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody, not be stressed, be stressed, realize you hadn't organized documenting the event at all, argue over the playlist and why its not appropriate to have a song called "Stab U" as the walk down the aisle music, panic, avoid hens and bucks party, get caught by bucks party, forget you haven't picked up your suit, wonder if there will be enough food, wonder if the wine will be nice, wonder if anyone will turn up, get married, dance, stop friends exposing themselves on wedding photographers camera, don't eat anything expect rubbery fish and chips wake up on the couch the morning after at 2am having a think

Why can't they be allowed to do all that?

ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

Here. Pictorial proof

 

http://electricsheepcomix.com/infogfx/sameSexMarriageChart.png

Real Estate Agents

...are crap

End of rant

But seriously. They really are.

"Why you ask" already knowing the answer

It's not because they advertise their properties so maliciously with their artful photographhs that hide the fact that you would have to open the front door to exhale and their genre literary writing of their housing descriptions.

It's not because they make you jump through so many hoops to be able to open your wallet and pour it into theirs at rent time, with referees on applications which they never call, certainly seeing none fo them have the highly developed communication skill of talking.

It's not just because their avergae age is 19, similar to their IQs, and their suits have been bought form the factor outlet and they spend more time on their mobile texting than engaging in anythign like face to face communication

It's not just because they are totally incapable of turning up on time for anything. Ever. Including the ten measly minutes they have a property open.

It's not just because they never do what they say they will, hello bin without wheels which was to be replaced the next week and still has no wheels almost 6 months later. I look at you through the window which doesn't open. Again to be fixed next week. 

It's because their inspections are a sham. Yes. A sham.

You  clean the place in preparation for their laughingly called regular inspection for them to walk into the kitchen and then walk out

Yes, they walk into the kitchen, pick up the form you have filled in highlighting everything they haven't fixed and they they walk out. If you are there they may chat. But I don't know why you'd want to talk to those 9 to 5 junior drones who have a life ahead of them solely of desk jockeying, matching stationary, the newest mobile phone, getting pissed at the local on the weekend and the intellectual and cultural depth of a pigeon.

They just inspect the kitchen. and when i say inspect i mean they WALK INTO THE KITCHEN AND THEN WALK OUT!!! That's it. End of story. That's the whole deal

What are the going to discover in there then? That the oven has dissipated, that your crockery doesn't match, that the place smells from the dead bodies in the pantry. That you have set up a meth lab to subsidize the ridiculous rental amount they charge (and everyone knows you set the meth lab up in the laundry next to the whiskery distillery and the washing machine. Ridiculous. 

Is it so hard to walk around the house, I don't know, maybe go crazy and check you haven't put more hooks up (which you haven't), marked the carpet (which you don't) and have kept the place in a generally good shape (which you do)

They walk into the kitchen. They walk out. There goes your three monthly inspection

What a pointless waste of time, effort and me putting Pinot the worlds smallest Black Panther in a catery for the day

Pinot the Worlds Smallest Black Panther providing secretarial duties

Kitchen wankers

Would you like some extra nasturtium with your schnitzel? Welcome to 2011 where this years food fad is edible flowers and of course using the word Heirloom wherever possible on your menu. The er aof the food mile, and the kitchen garden and every home cook now being a chef and or major supermarkets jumping on the band wagon with their organic this and no extra hormones that

Welcome to the era of the kitchen wanker.

"Its all Mastechefs fault" you cry.

Well yes, of course the little greek guy, the fat pom and Fatty Cravaty Nom Nom have a lot to blame for as we become a nation of food wankers who no longer serve their food but plate it up, with mounds of Jus stacked appropriately and with our kitchens full of expensive implements. (WTF is a water bath!) and I will personally punch on the nose the first person I meet who has their own blast freezer. And Masterchef is of course culpable in the continuation of the celebrity chef and the reintegration of Donna Hay back into polite society. 

But no. Its not their fault that the number one threat to this country isn't the cane toad but the kitchen wanker. We should have seen this coming! Look at our recent history for our whole hearted love of the wnker ingredient How soon we forget the great sun dried tomato invasion of the early nineties or in recent years the introduction of chorizo in everything. And yes they are great sausages of yumminess but there is such a thing as too much. Look at the poor sun dried tomato, now as popular as pork chops ( which have of course been replaced by pork belly)
 
People what are we doing? Where is this going to end? If anything, think of our parents, who a watermelon balled with mint was specialfancypartyfood, cherry tomatoes gourmet and a lasagne dinner party food. That  eating out was the all you can eat buffet at the faux Swedish eatery and KFC was still Kentucky Fried Chicken and salads and fast food were like cold war Russia and America.

Let me digress here momentarily and provide one minutes quick reminiscence on Ol' Pops Ranty Pants and his special meal "glop" archeological teams are yet to work out what made it so damn good but I can tell you it wasn't flowers, seeds, fancy salt encrusted foreign pork bangers or anything that didn't come out of a packet)

Think of the undue pressure we are putting on our parents? Lets get our hands off of it and back into making good simple stodge flavored by chemicals and cheese. And when I say cheese if it doesn't come out of a tube then lets drop it off. If Kraft Cheddar was good enough for me growing up , both as a food and as a sponge in the bath, then its good enough for a cheese board. Piss off all those fancy aged stone washed rind mould surrounded by dried things! Dried things! The only dried thing on a cheese board should be beef jerky

Lets get right down to the core point of it all this absolutely ridiculous flowersonfoodsillyreducedsaucesandweirdocookingtechniques is un-Australian. We like our food simple, preferable over cooked and with as few complicating flavors as well. If it can't be cooked on the bbq with beer as the only sauce then it should piss right off.

I advocate a return to three herbs. Mint, basil and MSG. There is way too much wankiness with multiple mints, and such herbs as chervil and tansy and oregano. Just because we can grow it doesn't mean we should. or use it. Don't start me about you home gardeners. Take your green bags, worm farms, eco-awareness and back to old homely values attitudes and rack off. You can also take your reduced food miles with you when you piss off!

And can we please bring back Moselle (preferably in the case) - all these fancy vioginiers and pinot griwhateveros and what not is confusing. Its white wine. You drink it after the beer and before the red, and you drink sparkly at a wedding with a little dash of orange juice so it tastes okay. simple.

food should be simple.

As a ray of hope for doing food simply lets celebrate the Federal Hotel, in Mount Gambier. (You can call it MG) the Capital of South Australia - the food lovers state. The Federal Hotel, the home of the schnitzel, which has on its menu 128 different versions of Schnitzel. No fancy sauces, no fancy herbs, just every possible piece of flesh battered senseless, crumbed and deep fried. Either done with cheese, with tomato sauce or not. Plus some for the Vegos. Brilliant

Schnitzel good solid Australian food.

Last journal

Dear Diary

This will be my last journal entry.

I barely have the strength to lift pen to paper but i feel i must catalog the end of the expedition.

It was a brave choice to march into the unknown expanse of Feb fast but this, the last unexplored frontier called. Before this expedition we have done the don't drink on school nights, the not as easy as it looks not have a drink at the pub, even attempted the stay sober on new years eve The team of course had attempted the required short expedition to Nodrinkieweekend and while statistically unsuccessful we had shown some pluck in the face of adversity.

How wrong we were to think we were ready to leave the safe environs of our fermented grape haze and brave into the wilderness

The drums have started again with their incessant pound pound pound on their drums. If the thirst doesn't get me then I am sure they will. I miss the constant ringing in my head of the morning after, this on again off again drum is driving me crazy.

Oates has left. Said he was going out for a wok. Doesn't he know we can't stir fry without a cheeky beer or even a nice sauv blanc. I fear he has gone insane. I know I won't see him again. It was his round.

I have eaten my last wine gum. The rum balls are a distant memory. The end is near now. I have left my tip on the bar, next to the ripped up napkins and now I sleep

The sweet, sweet, sweet escape of sleep

.....

Captain A.R Pants esq

The location of Captain Angry Ranty Journal

Donate to the Captains Feb fast here

Summer Repeats

Originally posted the 1st of August 2010

It's the unspoken fear when you sit yourself down onto yet another flight to somewhere better than you are at the moment and the person next to you turns to you and speaks. Not in a passing manner but in a way that suggests they would like to have a chat. Hell we've got time to spare lets get to know each other

I suspect hell is something like a long haul flight stuck between a holidaying couple returning home wanting to tell you about all the places they did and a business traveler wanting to distract themselves

For someone like myself who finds the concept of people interesting but doesn't like them in practice there is nothing worse than being caught in a conversation on a plane. What can you do aside form stuffing their in flight magazine down their throat and gagging them (which unfortunately is still illegal in most countries)

There are of course warning signs. The holidaying couple is always a clear indicator, especially if they are older because in their minds they are practicing talking to their children about their holidays, and while you may be doing their kids a service there is nothing worse than hearing the menu of every place they have eaten and how nice the locals were

Also when the traveler next to you spends any time trying to turn their audio visual package up using your controls you will end up having to talk to them. Also watch meal times as any confusion will cause a need to talk. If they do give you the babies meal intended for someone else, just shut up and eat it unless you want to have a ohhowhilariousthatwas conversation

But what can be done? aside from buying all the seats around you or using your gulf stream jet more you tightarse

• Headphones Obvious. Boring

• The Foreign ploy When the talking starts clearly establish that you don't speak the language. oif course you want a language that is easy, recognizable not as gibberish and one that there is a good chance they don't speak. I recommend Dutch. Please find a handy phrase for you

Hello. i don' t spreekt uw taal en zou vrij eerlijk gezegd eerder mijn eigen kniekappen dan tegenovergesteld aan u eten

(Translated as "Hello. i don't speak your language and quite frankly would rather eat my own knee caps than converse to you")

• The Sickness ploy Of course vomiting on them will shut them up but if you don't have a spew on hand there is always the steps up to it. Ordering lots of water, puffing out the the change bag in preparation for a little puke and/ or a few well place groans and general holding of the stomach. Farting can also be a useful tool. Don't over do it as they may become concerned and try and talk to you

• The weird ploy. A few little tics can save you hours of trouble. Licking your lips at the end of each conversation. sniffing everything around your seat, reading the in flight magazine, in fact doing basically any weird will stop them talking.

• The hint of danger. If you are couriering drugs a quick reveal of them will stop all communication with your fellow passenger. Obviously the same with guns. Animal smugglers avoid this cause nothing will start a conversation more than revealing you have 12 marmosets down your pants

• The torrent of tripe Beat them at their own game. Basically just pour out as much bull shit as possible, not letting them get in a word edge ways and shut them up. Don't mention any weird religion just in case they are an airplane bound missionary or Tom Cruise

Or if all else fails smother them and act dumb when the body is found

Summer Repeats

Originally posted Saturday 15 May 2010

Sometime today a 16 year old (soon to be 17)  girl will sail into Sydney Harbor and become the poster child for Australian ambition.

"Our " Jessica will have broken the record for youngest person who has sailed non stop around the world, as all of our papers will trumpet. Last week we doubted, today we celebrate but tomorrow some will return to doubt, especially the media outlets who haven't had their deals accepted. We like to poke holes, it keeps people from getting ahead of themselves

Firstly though,  hooray for Jessica. This girl has gone through nearly a year of her life not being talked to, in isolation, no one understanding what she is going through. Arguably all teenagers feel they go through this but not many smell of salt and battle constant seas sickness while doing so.

Hooray!

and  hooray for all of us for believing in her when she announced her ambition, cause that us, we Australians, we believe people and love ambition. We love the visionary, the daring and the bold. We look at them and think "hooray we support you and believe you will do this great thing. Go you

of course we do.....hooray?

If it was up to Australia and the 'Australian spirit' we wouldn't have landed on the moon, built the great wall or had any one explore anything much. "You are going off exploring new frontiers? Breaking new ground? Bit up yourself aren't you?"

Now of course some of our doubts about Jessica  ( lets call her Jess its more marketable) was that she was a young girl doing a scary thing and shouldn't her Mother know better and there was the thought that it would cost the tax payers money to go rescue her when she inevitably came to grief. There would be definitely some new editors disappointed that that package they had ready just in case' will never be used. Fair calls but was it the cost and the obvious lack of maternal instinct? or the fact someone announced they were going to do something truly beyond our understanding, sail around the world, or was it the fact they announced their ambition?

Australians just don't like ambition. "Bit up yourself aren't you?" If you are going to be a great Australian go and do it silently and tell us after you have achieved (go to www.australianachievements/FAQ to see the achievements we will recognise. Obviously reality TV and sport figure prominently. The science and humanities pages of the website will be up shortly) We will happily, and eagerly, jump on board the bandwagon at this point but do be prepared, the bandwagon will only last for a short while unless you seem like someone we could hang out with, and you are not up yourself. We love a good bloke or a down to earth chick.

But back to our Jess, "our" Pink Lady (c),  welcome home. You will have quite the month of celebrations and celebrity. Be prepared to meet politicians (our premier is the one with the practical haircut) , famous Australians, pasty sailors (expect to meet the still alive team of Australia2 from something called the Americas Cup. Wikipedia it) and of course you will meet some B listers trying to stay in the public eye.

Hooray for success.

You will also make a little money, which is good. One piece of advice, be more selective with choosing what to talk about and support and not so Goodram in your choices.

and be assured if it is all too overwhelming it will fade away, a few months and it will get quiet. There will be footage of you at the New Years Eve package, you'll get a quiet little Wikipedia section and a few appearances here and there and then...well life goes on as 'normal'.

Except maybe for young 15 year old Hailey from Gladesville who is by the harbor today enjoying the celebration and thinks to herself. "I can do something. Something big. Something extraordinary" Hooray for her 

Airports.... again

Airports. They use to be fun.

I remember when a trip to an airport was an eye opening event full of funness and frolics, the sense of optimism hanging in the air as you met Auntie Whatsherfacce arrive from someplaceelseville. You’d sneak into the toilets and check all the funny vending machines, maybe use a bit of money to buy yourself a disposable toothbrush with bristles that could scour steel. You’d read the arrivals black and white television to see the 6 flights arriving from funny other places, maybe go to the newsagents to get something you couldn’t get anywhere else. Maybe go through the security reader, past the bored operator who stared blankly at nothing hoping that the machine may go ping and you would be waved through as obviously not a security risk.

Airports were fun, exotic and exciting. Fun. Airports=fun.

What happened?

Ignoring for the moment the anal level of security and how that's taken the fun out of airports. I have now been bomb checked so many times that I can run the machine myself and by reflex head straight to the bored operator. I also now know that if i do ever make a bomb I won't put my hands in my pockets, in my bag or unzip my fly.

The main reason airports are crapper than they ever were was they made airflights so cheap that people from the suburbs could afford them. (and don’t start me on people from the suburbs. Read my blog Adelaide for more on this subject. And yes, I haven’t written it yet! Patience!)

Now the Airport is like some sort of souped up uber-shopping centre, reminiscent of the suburbs these people are coming from. (I must briefly apologise for the use of uber. Won’t happen again. At least it wasn’t Zeitgest).

 

The airport. That melting point of average. It’s the super shopping centre of someplace else (its always disappointing when alliteration lets you down. Kind of like a kindy teacher who gives you a D)

• Parking at Airports is like a shopping centre (except of course no shopping centre do you have to empty your wallet to pay for staying thirty minutes in it),

• You can never find a trolley that works (and has paying for trolleys really stopped stealing of trolleys or just put a generation of trolley delinquents out of a job? Where can the young prebuscent boys get socially demeaning jobs, that pay little and increase your chance of getting bashed up on a Thursday night? And. And! If we had more opportunities for Trolley boys would Corey have held that party? Of course, I agree the excitement fell out of the Trolley Boy industry when they banned the Oky strap. Sad days but still...Trolley Boys, their absence as a viable career is felt.

• Airports are full of generic crap. Three newsagents in the average Airport and they are the same. Exactly! Why can’t there be an interesting little book shop? A music shop. Bugger it, A petshop. Why does it have to be just stuff you bring on planes. And if it is just stuff you can bring on planes being sold why can you buy luggage at an airport? Bit late for packing isn’t it?

• It’s overpriced, maybe this doesn’t link to the average shopping centre but ITS OVERPRICED! Talk about screwing your captive market. No wonder American Express is advertising there. You need a gold credit limit to buy your water, pack of mints and a magazine to read.

• It’s full of people you wouldn’t invite over. I don’t think we need to discuss this much more

• It’s full of people you wouldn’t invite over. Well it is isn’t it?

• It’s full of people you wouldn’t invite over. Go on, make conversation in the queue next time then if you don’t agree

• It’s full of people you wouldn’t invite over. And they all stand too close to the luggage carousal. One step back people do you really think that your luggage will come out quicker if you stand knees pressed against the metal! One step back and we can all see what’s going on. One step back and we can out luggage off without having to break the laws of physics in getting it off, and I don’t know what the laws of physics are but I am sure one of them is take one step back dickwad and we can all go further in this life. It is you luggagecarouselcanoodlingcockrags that are holding civilisation back! One step back. One! Step! Back!

and while at luggage, lets pause a little and look at the new tactic of airlines encouraging people to fly by keeping their advertised prices down by making everything an add-on cost. Food, luggage, entertainment, checking in with a real person. Where will this end? Hostess attention will be paid on demand, toilets with coin slots, window seats extra

This habit of paying for luggage is particularly disturbing. Not because its an awful added cost (which it is but if you can afford to fly then cough up your luggage money tight arse) but because of the ridiculous level of luggage people bring as carry on

This is not carry on luggage

http://www.themissadventures.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/dsc00661.jpg

This is not carry on luggage

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumb_274/12120537347e0sRE.jpg

This is not carry on luggage.

Blog Action Day - Climate Change

Oh its so simple, it seems all we have to do is shower with a bucket, buy a gray water sign, slip on an artfully trendy wrist band with a slogan like 'feed the world', ' I care' or ' I bought this to alleviate my guilt', pay a couple of dollars extra when you fly to carbon neutralise your flight and buy the occasional organic product and the world environmental crisis is no longer a problem.

Phew

Thank the lord.

And here I was thinking we had a problem, as i drink the last few percentages of my cities water supply, watch the river ways belch under the combined refuse of too many houses and their idiotic need for lawn while thinking 'isn't it nicer that the summers are longer now'

People it's not going away and unless we do something radical then its all going to shit in a handbasket. And i don't even use hand baskets so that's how shitful it's going to be

Here's what we have to do.

Firstly stop "A Current Affair" and "Today Tonight". Not going to help the environment but I just don't like them and while we are changing things it seems like a good as time as any.

Ban all private Motor Car use. You heard me! All of it! If you want to go somewhere use those useless dangly things below your hips, catch public transport or catch a taxi.
Excellent. While at it ban Motor sports as well. Pointless. yes yes yes the oil industry will be a little upset by lot of revenue but may go someways to making people review fighting in deserts over some black sticky stuff. Oh and public transport is totally funded by the government, say the tobacco lobby. If you can't afford it from the tax made already then increase the tax on cigarettes.

Ban Lawns, except in public spaces. They waste too much water and pump too much fertiliser into the water systems. We can all recreate together in an outpouring of daily communal good will. Come on name three people you know who actually use their lawn!

Restrict Airtravel. Maybe a limit of flights per lifetime or maybe we should just stop all flights to Adelaide, Perth and Brisbane both on reasons of conservation and good taste. Hell let's sell Perth to the South Africans. They can make of it what they will and we can ignore Adelaide like a strange second cousin and stop inviting it to our weddings. Brisbane we will leave as the new capital of Cane Todia. Obviously we can easily stop flying overseas because everywhere else is full of terrorists, crooks and "it isn’t really as nice as we thought it was when we read the brochure"

Reduce population. Obviously when the Baby Boomers all retire and the Superannuation and health care system collapses under the weight of their doddering Alzheimic advance, as they constantly mutter it was better in my day we can quite easily ignore their generation and let them fade. And lets be honest it not like old people are the biggest consumers, most don't drive out of their suburbs.

The real issue though is the growth of the population. Lets face it Conservation = Contraception. From now on everyone is allowed one kiddie, yes only one for keeps. You can have two but the second is just a spare, in case. At a suitably prearranged age you must choose between them and let one of them go. No need to be fatal about it, we'll ship them all off to Tasmania or let them loose in the Simpson Desert or some other place that we all have heard about but would never go to thank you very much. Nice. They could become an attraction "come see the herds of the Other children of Australia roam the countryside" Goodo. Nothing wrong with a population of people who live on the outskirts and add to our tourism dollar but we never have to care about. And the few pinky lefties who care about them, can buy an artfully trendy wristband and chuck on a t-shirt, that always solves the issues of the world