Dear People who were sitting in front of me between LAX and Brisvegas
Thank you. It was so fun listening to your inspiring discourse on the merits of Ford vs Holden (although I am unsure how you compare a past president with a former actor but your ways are beyond me), your fun conversations about the building trade in Brisbane and special thanks for playing the entirety of Dire Straits seminal "Brothers in Arms at full volume through your mini speakers for all of us to enjoy as we greeted the dawn at 4:35am (EST)
How lucky we all were when you found each other seated so close together as we boarded, you with your shouted greetings and so witty repartee on the value of Tomato Sauce for an airplane breakfast and how joyous that the person next to the couple let the third one sit with them and of course whose the luckiest? Me! I was right behind you for every nuanced syllable of your twelve hours of chat and rhythmic chair reclinings.
Hurrah!
Who knew that the main thing wrong with America is that it doesn't have sausages? I knew it had some issues but never saw in such clarity this being the main problem. May I suggest you contact someone and tell them, maybe their head guy, Obama, he's like the leader, sort of like the coach of the Maroons to put it in a context you may understand.
That there is no DFO and hence their shopping is bad and never cheap. I was upset to think i had ripped off every shop I had been in and am contacting them asap (1) and paying them the difference. I feel so bad for ripping them off and obviously I don't have any taste
And good on you for taking as much as you can off the flight, isn't great to take all the tissues from the toilet and all that food with you. And hurrah for Bundy for breakfast, although not strictly breakfast if you haven't slept
and thanks for making the flight so fun with your calling peoples seats from the in flight phone. You funny funny funny japesters.
Thanks again and please send me all your travel details so i can make sure I can travel with you, maybe even for yourwhole ten days next time,as we all knowe clearly now your thoughts on why ten days overseas is more than enough
Yours in love and admiration
Captain AR Pants esq
PS Why wasn't I as wise as you when I was 18? sigh
PPS arsehats
(1) That's 'as soon as possible' in an abbreviation..an abbreviation is when you shorten some words so you don't have to type as much
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Terezin
The Captain is on holiday and while he sits and enjoys the Reubans in the city they named twice he presents his pre-written series of travel blogs
Terezin was here they interned the Jewish children and artists in World War Two. A fact i didn't know till visiting and the awareness of that fact was what shook me from my very Australian isolationist view of war, pain and suffering to an awareness of how horrific it was.
If Australians gain only one thing from the grand Europe tour, that being an empathy then it is a good thing.No one should suffer like this or go through something like this. The children of Terezin produced some amazing art , poetry and music.
As someone who has worked with children for over two thirds of life I can never forget this place. I am yet to adequately respond to Terezin. I doubt I ever will
Terezin, Czech Republic
This is not a happy place but some places can be special for not being happy. For how they change us when we visit them.Terezin was here they interned the Jewish children and artists in World War Two. A fact i didn't know till visiting and the awareness of that fact was what shook me from my very Australian isolationist view of war, pain and suffering to an awareness of how horrific it was.
If Australians gain only one thing from the grand Europe tour, that being an empathy then it is a good thing.No one should suffer like this or go through something like this. The children of Terezin produced some amazing art , poetry and music.
As someone who has worked with children for over two thirds of life I can never forget this place. I am yet to adequately respond to Terezin. I doubt I ever will
Edinburgh
The Captain is on holiday and while he sits and stuffs his face with Reubans in the city where the world meets he presents his pre-written series of travel blogs
There's nothing quite like the way the Castle makes the city feel protected. (And the castle has an awesome tour and history but that's aside from the point)
Edinburgh, Scotland
It's not the festivals, its not the books, its not the fantastic Mary Kings Close with its history, its not all the history, its not Arthurs Seat or Leith Walk or the fact I wrote a screenplay in the front room of my friends house living there. It's not the people, or the Rebus books or the amazing countryside around. All these things are fantastic reasons but they are not the reason. There is but one main reason I love Edinburgh
There's nothing quite like the way the Castle makes the city feel protected. (And the castle has an awesome tour and history but that's aside from the point)
Tourists
Guest post from Vitriol Girl
Fact: being a tourist makes you look stupid.
Fact: being a tourist makes you look stupid.
I've come to the conclusion, there is no way you can be a tourist and not look stupid. First of all, tourists look at shit, and there’s nothing more annoying than someone who actually takes notice of their surroundings. Don’t try to hide it because we can spot you miles away. No, it’s not the backpack. No, it’s not the bum-bag or the passport pocket or even the Lonely Planet guide. It’s those velcro sandals. You know, the ones that you bought from that outdoorsy looking store because you can walk in them AND it doesn’t matter if they get wet? Them. Nobody—nobody—wears them except for tourists—as if you couldn’t guess, given how they make you look like you’re wearing kneepads on your feet. Kind of like Crocs. Nobody in their right mind would be caught dead wearing them in their regular neighborhood, but for some reason tourists decide that the regular rules don’t apply to them.
And don’t pretend we can’t see you ooh-ing and aah-ing at the top of your lungs over something totally arbitrary. “Look, honey! Look at that chipped plaster awning! Look at this artfully placed rusty spoon! Look at that cup of coffee! / that incredibly common mammal! / your cocktail! / your foot ulcer!” For some reason, the exact same shit that was totally mundane in your own backyard becomes fascinating to you as a tourist. If you’re not gushing about it, you’re bitching about how that rock / building / tree / painting / rusty spoon / kangaroo / foot ulcer wasn’t as impressive as you thought it would be. What do you want it to do, give you a lap dance? Maybe it just looks unimpressive because you’re viewing it through the lens of your camera. Incidentally, is that surgically attached to your face? No? Then remove it. What’s the point in traveling to new places if all you’re going to do is take photos of them? Did you pick up the tourist brochure and go, ‘Hey look at the photos of this place! Let’s go there so we can take our own photos of exactly the same thing!’? You did, didn’t you? How many times are you actually going to look at them? Let’s be honest—you’re going to beg EVERYONE YOU KNOW to gaze at them in wonder (even the blurry ones and the 45 you took of that cockatoo from different angles) but when you sift through them yourself, all you’ll be looking for are the hot / buff / half-naked ones you can post as your Facebook profile picture.
And you know that campervan you’re hauling halfway across the country? It’s fat, ugly, a waste of energy and an oxymoron. You’re not camping; you’re carrying a house. You’re not ‘getting away from it all’; you’ve got ‘it all’ attached to your towbar. Don’t try to tell me all about how you’re getting close to nature; you’re sitting on your arse watching ‘Deal or No Deal’ at 5:30pm just the same as always, only this time you picked it up with a satellite dish next to a gum tree instead of through the antennae on your tiled roof at home. You’re in a national park. Perhaps you might like to listen to the sound of night birds and crickets instead of Andrew O’Keefe. And if you turned that generator off and walked outside you might even—gasp!—see some stars
Additionally, I understand that hauling a 6-tonne pile of scrap metal around the country means you can’t go faster than 75km/h even in your brand new shiny-clean black twin-cab Nissan Navara, but when I’m 8 cars behind you and you’re behind a road train I kind of want to slash your tyres or shove a potato up your exhaust. Not only does it make you the slowest jerk on the highway, but when the speed limit is 130km/h I’m pretty sure it’s a crime against humanity.
Don’t think you backpackers are any better.
The only thing worse than an overprepared tourist who doesn’t actually want to leave home is an underprepared backpacker who has decided that the most important thing for them to spend their money on is booze, and that because they’re not at home they can be the most obnoxious wanker on earth. Of course your $12 tent doesn’t keep out monsoon rain, no I won't shout you dinner.
What kind of dipshit goes for a 20km walk in thongs, without a water bottle anyway? And that car—baby, you’re lucky it got three blocks from the rental yard let alone halfway to Brisbane. Nobody cares about how smashed you got last night, or how many wrong hostel rooms you walked into, or how many girls you failed to hook up with, or how you spewed all over the public toilets, or how you lost your phone, or how hilarious it was when you threw your beer can at that emu / homeless person / member of an ethnic minority / small child.
It’s like someone sold you epic failure and convinced you it was adventure, and now you’re inflicting your idiocy on the rest of us. When you get hypothermia because you passed out on a rock in the middle of the desert in the middle of the night after somebody shaved off your god-awful dreadlocks, nobody is going to feel sorry for you.
Incidentally, could you move downwind? Clearly you haven’t showered since you left whatever planet it is that spawned you, and can you go back there as soon as possible? PLEASE?
Vitriol Girl blogs over here when she is in a better mood
I have an overwhelming grump for tourists who 'do' things. "Then we did Salisbury on our way to doing Stonehenge after which we will do Avebury." If you are just ticking places off a map then go and frack off.
PS Don't start me on backpackers
PPS or travel photos
Captain AR Pants esq
And don’t pretend we can’t see you ooh-ing and aah-ing at the top of your lungs over something totally arbitrary. “Look, honey! Look at that chipped plaster awning! Look at this artfully placed rusty spoon! Look at that cup of coffee! / that incredibly common mammal! / your cocktail! / your foot ulcer!” For some reason, the exact same shit that was totally mundane in your own backyard becomes fascinating to you as a tourist. If you’re not gushing about it, you’re bitching about how that rock / building / tree / painting / rusty spoon / kangaroo / foot ulcer wasn’t as impressive as you thought it would be. What do you want it to do, give you a lap dance? Maybe it just looks unimpressive because you’re viewing it through the lens of your camera. Incidentally, is that surgically attached to your face? No? Then remove it. What’s the point in traveling to new places if all you’re going to do is take photos of them? Did you pick up the tourist brochure and go, ‘Hey look at the photos of this place! Let’s go there so we can take our own photos of exactly the same thing!’? You did, didn’t you? How many times are you actually going to look at them? Let’s be honest—you’re going to beg EVERYONE YOU KNOW to gaze at them in wonder (even the blurry ones and the 45 you took of that cockatoo from different angles) but when you sift through them yourself, all you’ll be looking for are the hot / buff / half-naked ones you can post as your Facebook profile picture.
And you know that campervan you’re hauling halfway across the country? It’s fat, ugly, a waste of energy and an oxymoron. You’re not camping; you’re carrying a house. You’re not ‘getting away from it all’; you’ve got ‘it all’ attached to your towbar. Don’t try to tell me all about how you’re getting close to nature; you’re sitting on your arse watching ‘Deal or No Deal’ at 5:30pm just the same as always, only this time you picked it up with a satellite dish next to a gum tree instead of through the antennae on your tiled roof at home. You’re in a national park. Perhaps you might like to listen to the sound of night birds and crickets instead of Andrew O’Keefe. And if you turned that generator off and walked outside you might even—gasp!—see some stars
Additionally, I understand that hauling a 6-tonne pile of scrap metal around the country means you can’t go faster than 75km/h even in your brand new shiny-clean black twin-cab Nissan Navara, but when I’m 8 cars behind you and you’re behind a road train I kind of want to slash your tyres or shove a potato up your exhaust. Not only does it make you the slowest jerk on the highway, but when the speed limit is 130km/h I’m pretty sure it’s a crime against humanity.
Don’t think you backpackers are any better.
The only thing worse than an overprepared tourist who doesn’t actually want to leave home is an underprepared backpacker who has decided that the most important thing for them to spend their money on is booze, and that because they’re not at home they can be the most obnoxious wanker on earth. Of course your $12 tent doesn’t keep out monsoon rain, no I won't shout you dinner.
What kind of dipshit goes for a 20km walk in thongs, without a water bottle anyway? And that car—baby, you’re lucky it got three blocks from the rental yard let alone halfway to Brisbane. Nobody cares about how smashed you got last night, or how many wrong hostel rooms you walked into, or how many girls you failed to hook up with, or how you spewed all over the public toilets, or how you lost your phone, or how hilarious it was when you threw your beer can at that emu / homeless person / member of an ethnic minority / small child.
It’s like someone sold you epic failure and convinced you it was adventure, and now you’re inflicting your idiocy on the rest of us. When you get hypothermia because you passed out on a rock in the middle of the desert in the middle of the night after somebody shaved off your god-awful dreadlocks, nobody is going to feel sorry for you.
Incidentally, could you move downwind? Clearly you haven’t showered since you left whatever planet it is that spawned you, and can you go back there as soon as possible? PLEASE?
Vitriol Girl blogs over here when she is in a better mood
I have an overwhelming grump for tourists who 'do' things. "Then we did Salisbury on our way to doing Stonehenge after which we will do Avebury." If you are just ticking places off a map then go and frack off.
PS Don't start me on backpackers
PPS or travel photos
Captain AR Pants esq
Airplane Travel
It's the unspoken fear when you sit yourself down onto yet another flight to somewhere better than you are at the moment and the person next to you turns to you and speaks. Not in a passing manner but in a way that suggests they would like to have a chat. Hell we've got time to spare lets get to know each other
I suspect hell is something like a long haul flight stuck between a holidaying couple returning home wanting to tell you about all the places they did and a business traveler wanting to distract themselves
For someone like myself who finds the concept of people interesting but doesn't like them in practice there is nothing worse than being caught in a conversation on a plane. What can you do aside form stuffing their in flight magazine down their throat and gagging them (which unfortunately is still illegal in most countries)
There are of course warning signs. The holidaying couple is always a clear indicator, especially if they are older because in their minds they are practicing talking to their children about their holidays, and while you may be doing their kids a service there is nothing worse than hearing the menu of every place they have eaten and how nice the locals were
Also when the traveler next to you spends any time trying to turn their audio visual package up using your controls you will end up having to talk to them. Also watch meal times as any confusion will cause a need to talk. If they do give you the babies meal intended for someone else, just shut up and eat it unless you want to have a ohhowhilariousthatwas conversation
But what can be done? aside from buying all the seats around you or using your gulf stream jet more you tightarse
- Headphones Obvious. Boring
- The Foreign ploy When the talking starts clearly establish that you don't speak the language. oif course you want a language that is easy, recognizable not as gibberish and one that there is a good chance they don't speak. I recommend Dutch. Please find a handy phrase for you
Hello. i don' t spreekt uw taal en zou vrij eerlijk gezegd eerder mijn eigen kniekappen dan tegenovergesteld aan u eten
(Translated as "Hello. i don't speak your language and quite frankly would rather eat my own knee caps than converse to you")
- The Sickness ploy Of course vomiting on them will shut them up but if you don't have a spew on hand there is always the steps up to it. Ordering lots of water, puffing out the the change bag in preparation for a little puke and/ or a few well place groans and general holding of the stomach. Farting can also be a useful tool. Don't over do it as they may become concerned and try and talk to you
- The weird ploy. A few little tics can save you hours of trouble. Licking your lips at the end of each conversation. sniffing everything around your seat, reading the in flight magazine, in fact doing basically any weird will stop them talking.
- The hint of danger. If you are couriering drugs a quick reveal of them will stop all communication with your fellow passenger. Obviously the same with guns. Animal smugglers avoid this cause nothing will start a conversation more than revealing you have 12 marmosets down your pants
- The torrent of tripe Beat them at their own game. Basically just pour out as much bull shit as possible, not letting them get in a word edge ways and shut them up. Don't mention any weird religion just in case they are an airplane bound missionary or Tom Cruise
Originally posted on AngryTrvlGurl 's extremely funny site
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