The Wombats overcome the last obstacle in the way of their world wide domination
Showing posts with label apocalypse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label apocalypse. Show all posts
This is how the world ends
The 67th Mounted Wombat Brigade rolls into Sydney with their human shields
Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week
Lois the Corpse Flower I appreciate once you hear that Lois the Corpse flower is about to bloom you will immediately stop reading and this blog post will become an unread wasteland, but hey this is important. People need to know. Lois the Corpse Flower is about to bloom!
What is a corpse flower? Amorphophallus titanum, more politely referred to as titan arum or the corpse flower, has gained its celebrity status by having one of the largest, rarest, and smelliest flowers in the world. These flowers can reach heights of 7-10 ft and a diameter of 5-6 ft.
Or simply put the flower from Little Shop of Horrors. Yes. The flower that sings and eats everyone. Rock on! It's time we had an all singing mutant flower eating Americans.
For those who can't get enough of Lois and who obviously want to be first to see our eventual plant overlord in action as it eats the attendants of the Houston National History Museum there's a webcam here
Of course when it opens all hell will break lose and I vote the museum attendant who has been singing to it the first to go. Yes, you heard me, the Museum attendant singing to Loiss
I present
Oh goody there's a video of her singing. Click here. (Please Lois eat her first, Thanks C.A. Ranty Pants Esq)
Cow Cow Cow
Teddy Bear Picnic Awkward
What is a corpse flower? Amorphophallus titanum, more politely referred to as titan arum or the corpse flower, has gained its celebrity status by having one of the largest, rarest, and smelliest flowers in the world. These flowers can reach heights of 7-10 ft and a diameter of 5-6 ft.
Or simply put the flower from Little Shop of Horrors. Yes. The flower that sings and eats everyone. Rock on! It's time we had an all singing mutant flower eating Americans.
For those who can't get enough of Lois and who obviously want to be first to see our eventual plant overlord in action as it eats the attendants of the Houston National History Museum there's a webcam here
Of course when it opens all hell will break lose and I vote the museum attendant who has been singing to it the first to go. Yes, you heard me, the Museum attendant singing to Loiss
I present
Ode to Lois
Written by Kelsey Williams
Written by Kelsey Williams
Get up extra early, just to see
That totally epic flower that’s taller than you or me
She sits in the Butterfly Center at HMNS
When she blooms you’ll smell her from a half mile radius
Oh, lois. Come on and let your corpse-smell flow-is.
Open up your petals ans show us.
Cuze we’ve been waiting one whole week
Runnin up flights of stairs to get a peek
Of Lois. Come on and let your corpse-smell flow-is.
Tunnin out of words that rhyme with Lois.
La la la la la la la la grow for us.
That totally epic flower that’s taller than you or me
She sits in the Butterfly Center at HMNS
When she blooms you’ll smell her from a half mile radius
Oh, lois. Come on and let your corpse-smell flow-is.
Open up your petals ans show us.
Cuze we’ve been waiting one whole week
Runnin up flights of stairs to get a peek
Of Lois. Come on and let your corpse-smell flow-is.
Tunnin out of words that rhyme with Lois.
La la la la la la la la grow for us.
hurry up and bloom, alright? Or else they’re gonna start a fight
Ciz they’ve been waiting a while in line, to get a glimpse for which they pine
Of everybody’s favorite plant
Thanks for putting up with my rant
And thanks most of all, to Lois!
I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.Ciz they’ve been waiting a while in line, to get a glimpse for which they pine
Of everybody’s favorite plant
Thanks for putting up with my rant
And thanks most of all, to Lois!
Oh goody there's a video of her singing. Click here. (Please Lois eat her first, Thanks C.A. Ranty Pants Esq)
Cow Cow Cow
Teddy Bear Picnic Awkward
http://cheezpictureisunrelated.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/515e28da-af0f-4bb0-aa68-acf382205ba3.jpg
Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week
- Hadron Collider Most of you may have forgotten about this wondrous wind tunnel of time changing chaos but its still out there. Who knows what its doing? Maybe the world has ended and this is the ever after ( If so, disappointing, I expected more cheese.)
I love the Collider. I love the name, the way it likes a cross between a Viking and a defensive line backer. I love the fact that none of us really know why we need it. I love the reporting of it. How can you go past such wonders as Large Hadron Collider is 'being sabotaged from the future
I love the fact it is listed among the 5 (yes 5) scientific experiments that may end the world (here they are just in case you are worried that your mixing of bicarb and vinegar may be in the top five)
But if some of you are worried. Don't be They have set up a website so you can see if it has destroyed the world yet. Has the large hadron collider destroyed the world yet?
and for those with a scientific bent there's a web cam of the Hadron Collider here
- Why Yogi the Bear never mentioned his Father
- Creatures on Twitter I love the fact that a whole lot of people pretend to be animals. On any given day you can chat with a donkey (McDuffAus), a particularly nasty fly ( thatfuckingfly), a cat (sockington ) and a Dugong who types with his flippers (TynontheDugong ) There is also the eternally bewildered Mr Shuffles (MisterShuffles) and the yang to his ying (shufflesdrkside) But the best without a doubt, is the eternally wise Common Squirrel (common_squirrel) "jump jump jump jump jump jump" wise words indeed.
- Martinis
Clowns
Let me introduce Quacky Duck
Now if Quacky isn't enough to make you run screaming I don't know what is
QUACKY DUCK” (Magical Balloon King). THE CLOWN ALL YOUNGSTERS LOOK UP TO! Featuring magic productions and balloonology. His entire career has been devoted to good wholesome entertainment. Featured on radio, TV, state and county fairs, trade shows, country clubs, shopping centers, private parties and picnics. Toledo, Ohio.
Now if Quacky isn't enough to make you run screaming I don't know what is
Cats
Why did we domesticate cats?
Really? Why? Someone tell me, please?
I understand dogs. They are nicey-nice with their happy smiley faces, some have naturally floppy ears and most have a part of their body purely there to show how happy they are. They don't wag their tail because they are shifty and planning on world domination one household at a time. They wag their tail because they looooooooveyousoverymuchandthisishtebesttimetheyhaveeveryhadintheirlife. Dogs are ace. What isn't there to like? (lets ignore the slurpsy bum lick noise they make and dogs whose legs don't bend)
But cats? Why? What moment of time did we say it would be nice to have a untameable fluff ball of contempt that only communicates at dinner and keeps us inline with occasional purring. Purring? Has anyone really worked out what that's about. A weird trilly noise and we think its love. maybe they are trying to hypnotise us or saying "you are a weak minded" in cat.
And what was the thinking re the moment of domestication? I understand dogs, however unpleasant it may have been when we realized it was nice to have an animal that ate our rubbish (Note to self; never let a doggive you a lippy kiss) but cats. Blame the Egyptians! ( and who doesn't if it wasn't for them we wouldn't have pyramids, Elizabeth Taylors career and the Bangles)
Cats are also useless. Did Scott try to get to the Antarctic with a team of Burmese pulling his sled? Can a Domestic Short hair bound through the snow with a little tub of whiskey on its collar (can a cat wear a collar). Have you ever seen a seeing eye cat! If there were then we'd know the depth of their evil.
and don't tell me LOLcats isn't along term plan to lull us into a state of unsuspecting adoration. And what animal has a tongue like sandpaper and still uses it for affection? and we are so bedazzled we let them go to the toilet in a tray in the house. Ohnycatgoersoutsideanddigsahole..... sure she does
They are useless, evil, pointless and the reason society will eventually break down and we will be fighting a wave of sneaky and nasty seal point Siamese Ninjas all saying "Die fuckers" and we use to call it miaowing and we will call it MeOwwing as they deal out the punishment
and before you complain amassed blog reading Cat people of the..now hold on! What is a cat person exactly? A hypnotized rabble of cheesecloth wearing loners who need the occasional affirmation from these mind control beast of the underworld. Have you seen them play with their prey? What do you think purring is? And you never hear the term Crazy Dog Lady.
Lets face it history would have been better if we domesticated something else beside these malevolent mounds of discontent, our soon to be feline overlords. Don't deny it wont happen. And tell me what scares you more a zombie horde or a plague of cats?
Why couldn't the Egyptians look around and ignore the cats and instead see a room full of chickens and domesticate them instead? Of course if this had happened then Chicken would be largely off the menu but think of the upside when munching on your Kentucky Fried Kitty burger. Without domesticated cats we wouldn't have had Felix the Cat. I hate that cartoon. "Rightioo then!" oh piss of felix
Chickens make sense. They are soft, fluffy, fun, functional and not the hallmarks of megalomania. How many arch villains do you know held a chicken? Blofied? No. Doctor Evil? No. Holly Golightly? No. Its not too late people, lets usurp the cat and bring back the chicken as the lap pet of choice. Sure we could go pigs but they are too heavy, monkeys even as they are fun to dress up and pose in photos of poker or even Penguins but their movies do generally suck. But chickens make sense. How many suspicious thought have you had about chickens? (people of Manjimup please do not answer this)
Hooray for the chicken. Chickens aren't pointless. They lay eggs. Cats don't. They are trainable, affectionate and they don't repeatedly bite you when you are writing a blog post and they are sitting on your lap and feeling ignored.
Really? Why? Someone tell me, please?
I understand dogs. They are nicey-nice with their happy smiley faces, some have naturally floppy ears and most have a part of their body purely there to show how happy they are. They don't wag their tail because they are shifty and planning on world domination one household at a time. They wag their tail because they looooooooveyousoverymuchandthisishtebesttimetheyhaveeveryhadintheirlife. Dogs are ace. What isn't there to like? (lets ignore the slurpsy bum lick noise they make and dogs whose legs don't bend)
But cats? Why? What moment of time did we say it would be nice to have a untameable fluff ball of contempt that only communicates at dinner and keeps us inline with occasional purring. Purring? Has anyone really worked out what that's about. A weird trilly noise and we think its love. maybe they are trying to hypnotise us or saying "you are a weak minded" in cat.
And what was the thinking re the moment of domestication? I understand dogs, however unpleasant it may have been when we realized it was nice to have an animal that ate our rubbish (Note to self; never let a doggive you a lippy kiss) but cats. Blame the Egyptians! ( and who doesn't if it wasn't for them we wouldn't have pyramids, Elizabeth Taylors career and the Bangles)
Cats are also useless. Did Scott try to get to the Antarctic with a team of Burmese pulling his sled? Can a Domestic Short hair bound through the snow with a little tub of whiskey on its collar (can a cat wear a collar). Have you ever seen a seeing eye cat! If there were then we'd know the depth of their evil.
and don't tell me LOLcats isn't along term plan to lull us into a state of unsuspecting adoration. And what animal has a tongue like sandpaper and still uses it for affection? and we are so bedazzled we let them go to the toilet in a tray in the house. Ohnycatgoersoutsideanddigsahole..... sure she does
They are useless, evil, pointless and the reason society will eventually break down and we will be fighting a wave of sneaky and nasty seal point Siamese Ninjas all saying "Die fuckers" and we use to call it miaowing and we will call it MeOwwing as they deal out the punishment
and before you complain amassed blog reading Cat people of the..now hold on! What is a cat person exactly? A hypnotized rabble of cheesecloth wearing loners who need the occasional affirmation from these mind control beast of the underworld. Have you seen them play with their prey? What do you think purring is? And you never hear the term Crazy Dog Lady.
Lets face it history would have been better if we domesticated something else beside these malevolent mounds of discontent, our soon to be feline overlords. Don't deny it wont happen. And tell me what scares you more a zombie horde or a plague of cats?
Why couldn't the Egyptians look around and ignore the cats and instead see a room full of chickens and domesticate them instead? Of course if this had happened then Chicken would be largely off the menu but think of the upside when munching on your Kentucky Fried Kitty burger. Without domesticated cats we wouldn't have had Felix the Cat. I hate that cartoon. "Rightioo then!" oh piss of felix
Chickens make sense. They are soft, fluffy, fun, functional and not the hallmarks of megalomania. How many arch villains do you know held a chicken? Blofied? No. Doctor Evil? No. Holly Golightly? No. Its not too late people, lets usurp the cat and bring back the chicken as the lap pet of choice. Sure we could go pigs but they are too heavy, monkeys even as they are fun to dress up and pose in photos of poker or even Penguins but their movies do generally suck. But chickens make sense. How many suspicious thought have you had about chickens? (people of Manjimup please do not answer this)
Hooray for the chicken. Chickens aren't pointless. They lay eggs. Cats don't. They are trainable, affectionate and they don't repeatedly bite you when you are writing a blog post and they are sitting on your lap and feeling ignored.
Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week
- Zombie cricket. Its simple. Its cricket against Zombies and you all know that's how its going to happen when the apocalypse comes. Highlight of this game is when you get to knock Pontings head off. Cause he's annoying. Go here
- Festivals. I like festivals. I don't know why, cause i don't really like people but i do like them when they congregate together in the name of enjoying a festival.Tonight the Emerging Writers' Festival starts in the land of the festival, Melbournia. They have a cool online program for those people in the lesser states Simultaneously that hot bed of creative weirdness Next Wave is on. Which leads me to their highlight
Magnificent. I am looking forward to the Labrador Chamber of Commerce because Labradors are nicey-nice
I am worried about this event though, at the Sydney Writers festival - A Wombat at My Table. Don't they know the horror?
- Foreigner Starbucks Video. Old but rediscovered this week. Still good
- The first rule of Moustache club is you talk about Moustache club
Wombats
"Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides." Douglas Adams
The wombat. Cute, Cuddly funsters of the animal kingdom or cold,calculating killers?
As the credits begin to roll at the end of every zombie movie you always say...couldn't they see it coming? Well we can people , we can. Wombats, with a closing speed like a cheetah(1), teeth that can rend flesh and a disposition that can turn from zero to bitch in seconds they are are the next clear and present danger for our society. We need to be prepared. The time is now. Have you made your wombat evacuation plan?
Proof ?
- Man-mauling wombat felled by axe
- Wombat combat: danger is their middle name (2)
- The Wombat - Keg of muscle
- NZ man's 'wombat rape' claim
No children were harmed in the writing of this post (3)
(1) Not scientifically proven but we all know its true
(2) I bet you didn't even know they had a middle name
(3) Rare archival footage of a wombat toying with its food source
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