Dear Tom Cruise
Hope you are well.
I recently had a little poll on my blog (Rants from the Grumpy Side of Life) I expect Katie follows it as she seems a little grumpy. A lot of the time.
Anyway, it was a poll which the readers of the afore mentioned blog could vote on a simple questio....voting? It's a funny old thing which allows people to have opinions. Definitely pointless if you were keen on a hierarchical religious doctrine. Not that you are. No.
Anyhoo the questions was "who shits you more? And it was between you, Jaimie Oliver ( his English. Have you heard of them?) Captain Jean Luc Picard (fictional character. Fictional like your marriage to Nicole Kidman) and my neighbor Ian. I don't think you know him. So it was out of the four of you.
and you won
Well done, you shit off more readers of my blog than Jamie (who is an unctuous little do gooding prick who uses two ingredients too many and uses the term rustic way too much) who came second. In fact you won by almost double. Go you!
I personally was surprised it wasn't my childhood neighbor Ian, as Ian was/wouldstillbe a complete fracker and i hate him but as a) no one knows him and b) no one really knows me he was never really in with a chance. Plus look at the opposition? You! You don't come over well in interviews, you are a little weird and you are, frankly speaking, short. And you have that weird smug look all of the time that makes people want to punch you on the nose. You know that look that you get when you have to talk with someone you don't want to but you pretend to look interested? Yeah? That's the look you have. Makes people want to lean down and bop you on the nose. Non violent people too. Nice people. I bet Natalie Portman would want to punch you and there's no one nicer than her.
What can you do about it? Not much really. You shit people off. Yes, you were good in Magnolia and Tropic Thunder but you did marry Nicole Kidman, if only fictionally
Captain Angry Ranty Pants