Declaration of War

Dear Head of State (titular and otherwise), elected officials, and citizens of Delta Goodrem

Please accept this as a formal declaration of war. Effective immediately. (Or Friday depending on weather and if I have to do the shopping or not)

I appreciate this may come as somewhat of a surprise and could be seen as an unwarranted escalation in hostilities but we feel you have left us with no choice. You have forced this decision on us. History will view it as such and judge us, and yourselves, accordingly.

For clarity sake let us map what you have done to lead us to this

We overlooked your flowyskirti’monneighbours stage as purely the outpouring of a young naïve presence finding their way in the world

We did comment at a roundtable about your early music career and counselled against you continuing it but showing the rash behaviour that you are known for and the completed disregard of the International Convention on Soapie Actors singing (or as it is more commonly known the Craig McLaughlan Clause 1992) you insisted on releasing several albums. While I didn’t listen to them or radio stations which had you on rotation I know too many words to Born to Try.

We briefly pitied you when you dated Mark Philiuseless and sent the appropriate trade and aid

We withdrew our Ambassador and closed all trade deals after your ridiculous mimed appearance at the Empire Games, insulting us and all other nations. Including the Indians who were affronted. Affronted! See, now you made me use an exclamation mark

Obviously we had our détente period when you left the area and McFaddined yourself as well as ‘grew into your face’ Much like Danni Minogue grew into her breasts and Joan Rivers continues to grow into her face(s)

But

You have returned, with the McFaddin (who is only slightly annoying than you cause he has a funny accent) and am now insisting on being on Television. All the time
  • I drink soy milk
  • I play the wii
  • I have ears
Please know the war will follow in the conventions of international engagement and we will conduct ourselves much as we did in the Tina Arena conflict of 2004

You may surrender but I demand
  1. you leave to a country immediately which doesn’t have recognised quality media outlets, we never hear much from and I will never go to. May I suggest America. Utah. Join the Osmonds maybe. Why not.
  2. Take the Mcfaddin. Please
In the words of Richard the 2nd. “A horse , my kingdom for a horse. “ Which has nothing to do with this declaration of war but I thought the inclusion of a Shakespeare quote made me seem more regal and give a certain gravitas to the situation.

Regards
Captain Angry Ranty Pants

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I saw yor blog and I think your being mean about Delta Goodrem, so what she's on the television, SHE'S BEAUTIFUWERHTFOE... Oh. Sorry Mr I think my brain just fell out.

Captain Ranty Pants said...

Oh Brian McFaddin, who let you onto the internet