Summer Repeats

Originally posted the 1st of August 2010

It's the unspoken fear when you sit yourself down onto yet another flight to somewhere better than you are at the moment and the person next to you turns to you and speaks. Not in a passing manner but in a way that suggests they would like to have a chat. Hell we've got time to spare lets get to know each other

I suspect hell is something like a long haul flight stuck between a holidaying couple returning home wanting to tell you about all the places they did and a business traveler wanting to distract themselves

For someone like myself who finds the concept of people interesting but doesn't like them in practice there is nothing worse than being caught in a conversation on a plane. What can you do aside form stuffing their in flight magazine down their throat and gagging them (which unfortunately is still illegal in most countries)

There are of course warning signs. The holidaying couple is always a clear indicator, especially if they are older because in their minds they are practicing talking to their children about their holidays, and while you may be doing their kids a service there is nothing worse than hearing the menu of every place they have eaten and how nice the locals were

Also when the traveler next to you spends any time trying to turn their audio visual package up using your controls you will end up having to talk to them. Also watch meal times as any confusion will cause a need to talk. If they do give you the babies meal intended for someone else, just shut up and eat it unless you want to have a ohhowhilariousthatwas conversation

But what can be done? aside from buying all the seats around you or using your gulf stream jet more you tightarse
  • Headphones Obvious. Boring
  • The Foreign ploy When the talking starts clearly establish that you don't speak the language. oif course you want a language that is easy, recognizable not as gibberish and one that there is a good chance they don't speak. I recommend Dutch. Please find a handy phrase for you
Hello. i don' t spreekt uw taal en zou vrij eerlijk gezegd eerder mijn eigen kniekappen dan tegenovergesteld aan u eten

(Translated as "Hello. i don't speak your language and quite frankly would rather eat my own knee caps than converse to you")
  • The Sickness ploy Of course vomiting on them will shut them up but if you don't have a spew on hand there is always the steps up to it. Ordering lots of water, puffing out the the change bag in preparation for a little puke and/ or a few well place groans and general holding of the stomach. Farting can also be a useful tool. Don't over do it as they may become concerned and try and talk to you
  • The weird ploy. A few little tics can save you hours of trouble. Licking your lips at the end of each conversation. sniffing everything around your seat, reading the in flight magazine, in fact doing basically any weird will stop them talking.
  • The hint of danger. If you are couriering drugs a quick reveal of them will stop all communication with your fellow passenger. Obviously the same with guns. Animal smugglers avoid this cause nothing will start a conversation more than revealing you have 12 marmosets down your pants
  • The torrent of tripe Beat them at their own game. Basically just pour out as much bull shit as possible, not letting them get in a word edge ways and shut them up. Don't mention any weird religion just in case they are an airplane bound missionary or Tom Cruise
Or if all else fails smother them and act dumb when the body is found

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