Kitchen wankers

Would you like some extra nasturtium with your schnitzel? Welcome to 2011 where this years food fad is edible flowers and of course using the word Heirloom wherever possible on your menu. The er aof the food mile, and the kitchen garden and every home cook now being a chef and or major supermarkets jumping on the band wagon with their organic this and no extra hormones that

Welcome to the era of the kitchen wanker.

"Its all Mastechefs fault" you cry.

Well yes, of course the little greek guy, the fat pom and Fatty Cravaty Nom Nom have a lot to blame for as we become a nation of food wankers who no longer serve their food but plate it up, with mounds of Jus stacked appropriately and with our kitchens full of expensive implements. (WTF is a water bath!) and I will personally punch on the nose the first person I meet who has their own blast freezer. And Masterchef is of course culpable in the continuation of the celebrity chef and the reintegration of Donna Hay back into polite society. 

But no. Its not their fault that the number one threat to this country isn't the cane toad but the kitchen wanker. We should have seen this coming! Look at our recent history for our whole hearted love of the wnker ingredient How soon we forget the great sun dried tomato invasion of the early nineties or in recent years the introduction of chorizo in everything. And yes they are great sausages of yumminess but there is such a thing as too much. Look at the poor sun dried tomato, now as popular as pork chops ( which have of course been replaced by pork belly)
People what are we doing? Where is this going to end? If anything, think of our parents, who a watermelon balled with mint was specialfancypartyfood, cherry tomatoes gourmet and a lasagne dinner party food. That  eating out was the all you can eat buffet at the faux Swedish eatery and KFC was still Kentucky Fried Chicken and salads and fast food were like cold war Russia and America.

Let me digress here momentarily and provide one minutes quick reminiscence on Ol' Pops Ranty Pants and his special meal "glop" archeological teams are yet to work out what made it so damn good but I can tell you it wasn't flowers, seeds, fancy salt encrusted foreign pork bangers or anything that didn't come out of a packet)

Think of the undue pressure we are putting on our parents? Lets get our hands off of it and back into making good simple stodge flavored by chemicals and cheese. And when I say cheese if it doesn't come out of a tube then lets drop it off. If Kraft Cheddar was good enough for me growing up , both as a food and as a sponge in the bath, then its good enough for a cheese board. Piss off all those fancy aged stone washed rind mould surrounded by dried things! Dried things! The only dried thing on a cheese board should be beef jerky

Lets get right down to the core point of it all this absolutely ridiculous flowersonfoodsillyreducedsaucesandweirdocookingtechniques is un-Australian. We like our food simple, preferable over cooked and with as few complicating flavors as well. If it can't be cooked on the bbq with beer as the only sauce then it should piss right off.

I advocate a return to three herbs. Mint, basil and MSG. There is way too much wankiness with multiple mints, and such herbs as chervil and tansy and oregano. Just because we can grow it doesn't mean we should. or use it. Don't start me about you home gardeners. Take your green bags, worm farms, eco-awareness and back to old homely values attitudes and rack off. You can also take your reduced food miles with you when you piss off!

And can we please bring back Moselle (preferably in the case) - all these fancy vioginiers and pinot griwhateveros and what not is confusing. Its white wine. You drink it after the beer and before the red, and you drink sparkly at a wedding with a little dash of orange juice so it tastes okay. simple.

food should be simple.

As a ray of hope for doing food simply lets celebrate the Federal Hotel, in Mount Gambier. (You can call it MG) the Capital of South Australia - the food lovers state. The Federal Hotel, the home of the schnitzel, which has on its menu 128 different versions of Schnitzel. No fancy sauces, no fancy herbs, just every possible piece of flesh battered senseless, crumbed and deep fried. Either done with cheese, with tomato sauce or not. Plus some for the Vegos. Brilliant

Schnitzel good solid Australian food.


Geek Cupcake said...

It's all good Angry Pants. Any parent who cooks those kinds of meals and tries to get a toddler to eat them will literally have egg on their face. I call it Kid Karma. For every wanker parent.. there is a child that puts them back in their place.

I can't really confess to not being a kitchen wanker after going to a kitchen store and trying to get a 1M decorating tip and discussed weighted baking pans with the owner today.. *hangs head in shame*

But yes.. KFC or gtfo

Captain Angry Ranty Pants said...

"But yes.. KFC or gtfo" is perhaps the best comment ever