Cats

Why did we domesticate cats?

Really? Why? Someone tell me,  please?

I understand dogs. They are nicey-nice with their happy smiley faces, some have naturally floppy ears and most have a part of their body purely there to show how happy they are. They don't wag their tail because they are shifty and planning on world domination one household at a time. They wag their tail because they looooooooveyousoverymuchandthisishtebesttimetheyhaveeveryhadintheirlife. Dogs are ace. What isn't there to like? (lets ignore the slurpsy bum lick noise they make and dogs whose legs don't bend)

But cats? Why? What moment of time did we say it would be nice to have a untameable fluff ball of contempt that only communicates at dinner and keeps us inline with occasional purring. Purring? Has anyone really worked out what that's about. A weird trilly noise and we think its love. maybe they are trying to hypnotise us or saying "you are a weak minded" in cat.

And what was the thinking re the moment of domestication? I understand dogs, however unpleasant it may have been when we realized it was nice to have an animal that ate our rubbish (Note to self; never let a doggive you a lippy kiss) but cats. Blame the Egyptians! ( and who doesn't if it wasn't for them we wouldn't have pyramids, Elizabeth Taylors career and the Bangles)

Cats are also useless. Did Scott try to get to the Antarctic with a team of Burmese pulling his sled? Can a Domestic Short hair bound through the snow with a little tub of whiskey on its collar (can a cat wear a  collar). Have you ever seen a seeing eye cat! If there were then we'd know the depth of their evil.

and don't tell me LOLcats isn't along term plan to lull us into a state of unsuspecting adoration. And what animal has a tongue like sandpaper and still uses it for affection? and we are so bedazzled we let them go to the toilet in a tray in the house. Ohnycatgoersoutsideanddigsahole..... sure she does

They are useless, evil, pointless and the reason society will eventually break down and we will be fighting a wave of sneaky and nasty seal point Siamese Ninjas all saying "Die fuckers" and we use to call it miaowing and we will call it MeOwwing as they deal out the punishment

and before you complain amassed blog reading Cat people of the..now hold on! What is a cat person exactly? A hypnotized rabble of cheesecloth wearing loners who need the occasional affirmation from these mind control beast of the underworld. Have you seen them play with their prey? What do you think purring is? And you never hear the term Crazy Dog Lady.

Lets face it history would have been better if we domesticated something else beside these malevolent mounds of discontent, our soon to be  feline overlords. Don't deny it wont happen. And tell me what scares you more a zombie horde or a plague of cats?

Why couldn't the Egyptians look around and ignore the cats and instead see a room full of chickens and domesticate them instead? Of course if this had happened then Chicken would be largely off the menu but think of the upside when munching on your Kentucky Fried Kitty burger. Without domesticated cats we wouldn't have had Felix the Cat. I hate that cartoon. "Rightioo then!" oh piss of felix

Chickens make sense. They are soft, fluffy, fun, functional and not the hallmarks of megalomania. How many arch villains do you know held a chicken? Blofied? No. Doctor Evil? No. Holly Golightly? No. Its not too late people, lets usurp the cat and bring back the chicken as the lap pet of choice. Sure we could go pigs but they are too heavy, monkeys even as they are fun to dress up and pose in photos of poker or even Penguins but their movies do generally suck. But chickens make sense. How many suspicious thought have you had about chickens? (people of Manjimup please do not answer this)

Hooray for the chicken. Chickens aren't pointless. They lay eggs. Cats don't. They are trainable, affectionate and they don't repeatedly bite you when you are writing a blog post and they are sitting on your lap and feeling ignored.

4 comments:

Elly Michelle said...

My cat purrs to show me he is happy and is very useful in keeping the rodent infestation to a minimum. He is also very handsome.

That is all.

Captain Ranty Pants said...

Thats what he has led you to believe.

Maybe the mice are the good guys!

Anonymous said...

If I had a cat I'd call her Kitty. And she'd purr and love me and blink at me with those big cat eyes. I would kill for Kitty if she told me to. I would. I'd hold a knife to my grandmother's throat and Kitty would tell me what to do next, just with a cute little wink.

fishspoon said...

cats are ingenious,
dogs are pathetic sycophants.