Cool because I work here

Who doesn't like the cool shops?

There is nothing greater than finding a little shop with cool knicks equally cool knacks, good clothes and general quirkiness. You know the one, the place you wander into while having a shopping stroll and you are immediately struck by it, with its cool sound track of hipness playing over its tastefully trendy speakers

You got from area to area of the store discovering more to more while your wallet heats up in your pocket and your credit card girds its loins for another brutal beating.

And as you pick up a particular item of want you look over and see the shop assistant sneering at you

Because they are soooooooooooooooooo cool because they work there and lets face it life would be better if they didn't have customers so why don't we all go somewhere else and don't you knwo this shop is way tooooo cooool for you.


Of course this phenomenon is not reserved to shops alone, the worst offenders are bar people who obviously have the best time in the world at their bar and we are all just lucky they let us visit. Waiters too at cool cafes are similar (uhm you do know you are just serving food?)

Whats the best way to combat this>? (aside form the usual pummel them with chair legs)

I like to employ the overwhelm them with the give "them what they expect" strategy. Obviously they think you are not worthy and beneath them so i like to prove them right with an unending list of questions/ conversation and geenral over the top friendliness

Some key pointers
  1. Introduce yourself
  2. If they have name tag use it every sentence
  3. Don't start with the really obvious questions save them to the last
  4. Call the shop by its wrong name. Twice
  5. Be over familiar
  6. Have a small interchange to begin with then go back again. they'll be delighted to see you again.
  7. Repeat some questions.
  8. Apologize profusely repeatedly, they will just hate you more for it
  9. Ask for discounts
  10. Don't actually buy anything. (of course) Or if you do have the wrong currency
  11. Ask for the shops number so you can call them later
Oh the fun


Anonymous said...

Oh this is so goddamn true! Captain, you are a beacon of light in a dark world.

Captain Angry Ranty Pants said...

My pleasure

Anonymous said...

I like to actually answer all of the questions they ask with more detail than the expected 'yeah, good thanks'. My talent for overshare gets some good reactions from shopgirls!

Cat said...

I take ownership of the above! Only because I take offense at any pseudonym that practically spells out the name of my animal foe!

truckguy60 said...

Wow, after reading this I have to say that you are a major ass-tard. The retail clerk who is staring at you like they wish you would spontaneously combust is probably thinking, "Is this jerk going to spend any money? Or are they going to mess up the display that I just spent 20 minutes folding?"

I've worked in retail and it's nothing, NOTHING like what you described. We don't run around in the back room going, "OMG We are SO cool for working here!" We make a crappy amount of money, we have been on our feet all day, we have had to smile and suffer idiot questions all day, and we have to deal with dickheads who like to mess with retail clerks. Dude, get a life. Is that what you aspire to? Does this make you feel like a big person? Picking on people who can't walk away from you... who are stuck there and have to take your crap for another 45 minutes before they get a break? Well, I can only hope that you have to get a retail job some day and see what it's like to deal with assholes like yourself.

Captain Angry Ranty Pants said...

ass-tared? you are funny