Charity

I have nothing against charity. In fact I make it a point to forward my prize winning emails to them every time I receive one. At last count I had donated 300 000 000, in a number of differing denominations, to a variety of charities as well as introduced them to a number of potential friends who were 'searching for the rightness in loving regardless of lookings'

I love charities. 

What I have a problem with is charity collectors, in particular the charity collectors who harangue you on the street. You know the ones. The bright and sparkly ones who grab you on the street using a combination of cute, cool or craaaazy to get you to stop. I have three main reasons I don't like them

1. Their charity only receives 15% of the money you give them
2. The people who collect the money are too bright and breezy and quite often backpackers
3. all of the above

My contempt for them knows no bounds but, and the thing that annoys me the most is the fact I was struggling to find an effective way to pour my scorn on their bright hipster sneakers in a satisfactory manner. In a way which relieved my anger and annoyance, and succeeded in dulling their breeziness and shutting them up

Initially i just ignored them, either by walking past or using the old iamwearingearphonesicanthearyou (a tactic employed successfully on public transport (1)). Of course that was stopped by brightandbreezybackpackquiltpeddlar#79 following me and lifting my earphones off and asking what i was listening to, fully prepared to lurvvvvvvvvvvvvve that band and know all their albums. See? They are impossible to beat. In this instance I smote her with my thunderous fury and walked off. I meekly say i am not interested and leave. D

This avoidance just got me annoyed. Nothing annoys your Captain than not being able to rant at my annoyance in a way where he feels that the annoyance has been passed on and avoiding wasn't working

My next strategy was stopping and explaining how much I donate to charity.They don't listen and rabbit on about how good their charity is and how much more important than my charities are. (2) I say but...but her falsely enthusiastic bubbling bullshit overwhelms me I meekly say i am not interested and leave.

Next I confronted them about the amount their company took which always came back with 15% is better than nothing. A logic which admittedly isn't completely wrong and their one eyed view became as easy as arguing with a Potters House zealot and any such argument also had me having to explain to them the rule of percentages, especially when they tell me they are 110% committed to their charity!

Then I demanded that they donate as much as me. They giggle and say something cool and hip and backpackey and say they do! In energy, enthusiasm and excitements....of course they do. I meekly say I am not interested and leave beaten by their brightandbreezybackpackquiltpeddling

I was stumped. I couldn't get the information out in a way which shut them up, proved my moral superiority and proved my point. The problem is how to communicate with the brainless horde in a way they would listen to and understand on whatever level of comprehension they can in their toomanytrivianightsatthehostel world, make me feel better and SHUT THEM THE HELL UP

But its like talking to horde of Zombie Nikki Websters (Commonwealth games not erwwwwhyareyouposinglikethat era) They ain't gonna shut up, they can't comprehend what you are saying, they are largely talentless and they just won't go away

Of course I found the solution. It shuts them up, they 'see' my point of view and I walk taller down the street, a Man among the many who can communicate with the lemmings of

Now I shout a variety of incomprehensible blabbery giobberish at them as I walk past. About 7 seconds worth gives them a feeling that i have given them a considered response and they may not strictly understand what i have said (but i bet they all think they have  but they get the tone and in their little shell like heads hear my reaction an way they want and I feel so much better

I am now employing this for door to door people, beggars and my mother.





(1) Taken from Captain Angry Ranty pants pamphlet "How to ignore the weirdos on the Tram." with chapters on routes 109, 96 and 112 
(2) The Angry Peoples Calming fund and The Salvation Navy.