Bear Grylls

I am sorry but you are plonker.

In fact if there was a possibility for a king of plonkers you would be it (although head of the scouts is pretty close to head plonker in my books (1)) I may even upgrade you to Donker

So, lets look at one small example of your screaming donkerdom. (ignoring the fact that you always pretend its you are alone for 24 hours. WE ALL KNOW ITS SHOT OVER A WEEK BY A CREW OF 4 and frankly the camera man who does all the shit you do but carrying a camera and having to listen to your drivel is the real hero in my books)

You land in a desert. You need cover. Good call, Fair enough. You fashion a head scarf out of clothing (although why not just bring a hat? Did you leave it in the helicopter? Are you that bad a planner) Okay. Granted making a hat is wise. Then you piss on it.

Then you piss on it.

Yep. To keep cool you piss on your hat. Now. This may (and I do say may) be wise if you are out in the desert for an hour but as you have told us you have 24 hours (sure) so what is this going to achieve? An hour of coolness then you will be hot and smell of piss. I am sorry Bear, that is stupid. Donker. Stinkypisshead. You must be the only person who has a prime time show to display their golden shower fetish

And don't try and convince me eating every repulsive piece of what could only be loosely called animal out there is important for a little "protein hit". PACK A FRICKING SANDWICH! or one of those prepackage cheese things. They are good.

also stop making it all seem like  SUUUUCHHH AAAA BIIIIG DRRRAAAMMMA. Its not., Seriously., really. Its not. Quick head count. Man vs Wild? No it should be called 4 men with logistics team vs Mild.

I did like the episode when you got diarrhea . Because you give me the shits.





(1) Dear Scouts, can I just take this opportunity to point out I am still on the waiting list for Padbury Cubs. That's 34 years of waiting. I am still somewhat keen to join though although concerned my uniform may not fit.