An open letter

Dear Australian Car Drivers

In starting this letter I would first  like to apologize to the car driving population of that Western Land on the edge of yesteryear, Perth. I am sorry. I have long said you were the worst drivers in Australia, with your selfish use of your wide roads, your lack of knowledge on how to drive in traffic and your constant whingeing about your 40 minute long peak hour. I am sincerely sorry. You are not the worst

After living, and driving, in four states I can safely say

You are all shit. All of you.

I have long ranted about Perth where three cars is traffic and roundabouts are just curvy straight things you drive through at speed but Sydney, Melbourne and Adelaide you can't smirk. This country just cannot drive. Yes, you all have your own peculiarities ( Sydneys merging and cornering issues, Melbournes bullying way of pushing in and Adelaide...well think about it any city which thinks the Clipsal 500 is a cultural event will inevitably have problems on the road) but you are all as bad as each other.

Let's look at your universal points of crapness

Indicating. It isn't to tell us what you have just done. It's a device for us to be warned about your driving aspirations.

Indicating should be a conversation like this

"Hello. Excuse me. I would like to join your lane. Would you mind terribly if I merged?"

Instead its a conversation like this

" HELOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M IN YOUR LANE"

and don't start me on merging. Actually, too late, I've started. I practice safe indicating, on the occasions I do build up the courage to join the carnage on our roads. I always practice the required three bleeps before merging over. So don't speed up. Are you in such a hurry that you think one car space will make the difference?

Two quick facts. Holding and speaking on your mobile phone like a microphone isn't any better  than putting it to your ear. Zebra crossings are not optional and don't glare at me if I stop in the middle to stop your gas guzzling Goliath of a car.

Corners are also good to practice cornering not displaying the wide turning circle of your car. Ironically this is even more important if you live in a suburb with thin streets and windy roads. Let us say for example you live a inner city suburb somewhere with too many cars and not enough room, maybe, just maybe its a good time to use the full range of your steering wheels rotation and do a little less of the swing out that makesmescreechtoahaltandascreemingpanicasyourcarcareenstowardsme.

When traffic is busy please learn to reverse parallel park ( Sydney, this one is really for you) I have had enough of your look of determined commitment to getting your ridiculous car backwards into the smallest space. Especially when 50 meters on in a much better park. But its okay, we can all wait for you because you are soooooooooooooooooooo important.

and Australia why the frack do so many of you need 4 wheel drives? Going over a  speed bump isn't 'going off road" and the beach isn't 'going bush" and buying it because of its road holding ability is one of the stupidest excuses in Stupidsville. Or because you can get more of your overstuffed green bags (cause you are so eco-friendly) in when your beast of  car is blocking the Coles carpark. I can, of course, understand if you have it as a tool for the upcoming zombie invasion but you are all so dim witted that would hardly be the reason. (and also you may not have enough seats in the normal 4 wheel drive for the required 8 person escape & human race renewal party).

Incidentally blocking up an intersection then smiling inanely is not to be found anywhere in the road rules. Do it again and I will open your back door and walk through your car, regardless of your 'baby on board' hanging propaganda or, dependent on weather, I will bounce joyfully over your bonnet.

and don't start me on supermarket car-parks and peoples complete confusion over the simplest of societies rules. Oh hold on, I have ranted about that before

In conclusion, Australian car drivers. Stop being so shite.

Yours Sincerely

Captain Angry Ranty Pants

PS Bike riders don't sit their smirking with your lycra bound moral superiority. The next one of you who dings me to get out of the way on a FOOTpath will get majorly Dinged in return.