Big Dog, Little Dog
Big Dog, Little Dog
Which one is which?
http://www.animalsintheworld.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8&sid=bb8d0bea6f6e03f0c65334784bf44096
Grumpiness around the world
Summer Camp
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/awkward-first-day-of-school-pictures
Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week
- Build a Dalek. Go here for the blueprints but don't blame me when it comes to life and kills all of humanity
- Elephant Appreciation Week. As long time readers would know I do have a soft spot for elephants and this week has been elephant appreciation week. The highlight of this has been finding this place
The Elephant Sanctuary in Hohenwald, Tennessee, is the nation's largest natural-habitat refuge developed specifically to meet the needs of endangered elephants. It is designed specifically for old, sick or needy elephants who have been retired from zoos and circuses. Our residents are not required to perform or entertain for the public; instead, they are encouraged to live like elephants.
and as crap as it is that we need places like this, its a bit great that they exist. Why not become a member for a paltry $30 and make this elephant even happier
- Melbourne Fringe As we all know I do love a fringe and have picked some highlights out previously. The quite excellent Steph Brotchie has guest posted her highlights on the equally excellent Lisa Dempsters blog. If you only see one thing see Tali Nevilles For whom the bell tolls. I saw last years show and it was excellent. Her website is here
- Somethings don't need a title
- while some can never be adequately explained
Ewoks
A guest post by Jimmy the Jawa
Utinni!
Why I hate Ewoks (or as i like to call them the Dirty Furry Balls of Hate)
People often ask me Jimmy why do you hate the ewoks so much (they also ask me if they can buy droids which is bit insulting as I got sacked from the Sandcrawler years ago after a certain casual clothes Friday incident. Insensitive)'
Ewoks are smelly, rude, obnoxious and over hyped. I am sick of seeing yet another Star Wars merchandising bonanza including yet another ewok inclusion. Toys, clothes, books, cups, shoes, lplush things, next there will be the ewok tom tom. Its crap.
Type Jawa merchandise into Google and what do you get? Nothing. How are we ever meant to get out of the desert, out of these scratchy robes and into some fine threads without some royalties?
But its not just the economic inequality which annoys me or the fact they only appear in one movie while Jawas are all over the place (cause we are movie magic).
Ewoks are evil. Utinni? utinni! UTINNNIIIIIII
Yes. Evil. Remember Return of the Jedi? They were going to eat Han, Leia and Luke. Yes Nommy nom nom noms on the heroes. They eat humans! They weren't burning Vader as some sort of last rites, he was a BBQ for the party, to go with the stormtroopers shishkebabs
Have you ever wondered why there isn't any movies after. The little shitballs ate everyone. Thats right. Everyone. The whole new order to the universe became rissoles
Evil
and they smell like burnt hair
and eat with their mouths open.
and don't return their library books on time.
Ewoks. Dirty furry balls of hate
Utinni!!!!!!
and people say Jawas are bad. All we did was cruise around the desert, wave our arms in the air, sold a little second hand goods and shout utinni on select occasions. When did that become offensive? utinni
Utinni!
Why I hate Ewoks (or as i like to call them the Dirty Furry Balls of Hate)
People often ask me Jimmy why do you hate the ewoks so much (they also ask me if they can buy droids which is bit insulting as I got sacked from the Sandcrawler years ago after a certain casual clothes Friday incident. Insensitive)'
Ewoks are smelly, rude, obnoxious and over hyped. I am sick of seeing yet another Star Wars merchandising bonanza including yet another ewok inclusion. Toys, clothes, books, cups, shoes, lplush things, next there will be the ewok tom tom. Its crap.
Type Jawa merchandise into Google and what do you get? Nothing. How are we ever meant to get out of the desert, out of these scratchy robes and into some fine threads without some royalties?
But its not just the economic inequality which annoys me or the fact they only appear in one movie while Jawas are all over the place (cause we are movie magic).
Ewoks are evil. Utinni? utinni! UTINNNIIIIIII
Yes. Evil. Remember Return of the Jedi? They were going to eat Han, Leia and Luke. Yes Nommy nom nom noms on the heroes. They eat humans! They weren't burning Vader as some sort of last rites, he was a BBQ for the party, to go with the stormtroopers shishkebabs
Have you ever wondered why there isn't any movies after. The little shitballs ate everyone. Thats right. Everyone. The whole new order to the universe became rissoles
Evil
and they smell like burnt hair
and eat with their mouths open.
and don't return their library books on time.
Ewoks. Dirty furry balls of hate
Utinni!!!!!!
and people say Jawas are bad. All we did was cruise around the desert, wave our arms in the air, sold a little second hand goods and shout utinni on select occasions. When did that become offensive? utinni
Akubra hats
There are only a select number of occasions where the wearing of an Akubra hat is permissible (1)
Feel free to print out this guide so you don't get confused and wear one inappropriately
(1) Akubra hat can be interchanged with Dry-az-a-bone through our this guide
(2) You don't
(3) You know the one which doesn't have a chip on its shoulder
- You are a stockman, roustabout, work in a Rodeo, ride with the brumbies in the Great Dividing range, are a figure of Australian folklore and/ or are Bob Katter
- You are in a national sporting team and some dickwad in government thought it was patriotic for all of you to wear it and hey lets stick an indigenous design around it to show we are still so very very sorry
- You are a tourist, most probably of American ancestry, are dissapointed that you haven't seen any koalas yet despite not leaving a capital city and you have bought one to meld in (2)
- You are Dick Smith or some other national celebrity who is so painfully Australian that it embarrasses everyone else who lives in the Australia of today (3)
- or you are a dickhead
Feel free to print out this guide so you don't get confused and wear one inappropriately
(1) Akubra hat can be interchanged with Dry-az-a-bone through our this guide
(2) You don't
(3) You know the one which doesn't have a chip on its shoulder
An open letter
Guest post by Grumpy Girrrl
Dear fellow residents of a certain sunny, waterside city,
I salute you in your enthusiasm for the great outdoors; for embracing our government’s concerns about your expanding waist lines and going for a walk; for your dedication to your doggie-friends and their love of a daily frolic in the water.
To the cyclists who make the environment just that bit cleaner as you eschew your cars to fly like the wind on your daily commute, and the wanderers, out to soak up some vitamin D with your fellow senior citizens, I salute you too.
So why the frack can none of you salute me in my own endeavours to maintain a svelte waistline and keep rickets at bay?
As I embark on my daily run, why must I balance precariously on the side of an embankment trying to pass you as you plod along, 4-abreast without the slightest concern for other path users?
Why must I dodge your horse sized dog that is careening towards me off-lead, full pelt, shaking its harbour-drenched coat and leering unbecomingly, its fangs closer to my shins than is commonly defined as polite.
Why must I give way to your prams the size of range rovers? It’s not like you are trying to keep your heart rate up.
Why should I lose my pace as lycra clad lunatics whiz past but can’t find the bell to warn they are coming?
WHY PEOPLE WHY!
So share the love, people, and the path. Don’t make me go back the treadmill.
Polar Bears ( for no reason)
http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/35-beautiful-examples-of
http://hoveranimals.tumblr.com/post/985703871/hushaby-life-in-color-blue-blue-photos
http://www.alaska-in-pictures.com/photo-of-polar-bear-underwater-2925-pictures.htm
http://cheesygoodness.psiraptor.com
Grumpiness around the world
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2010/09/06/theyre-all-going-to-laugh-at-me/
This is how the world ends
Bongles the Clown has implemented loads of interventions through laughter and play for many dozens of children in areas of crisis through out the dark continent
Universities
Guest post from Vitriol Girl
I am a postgraduate at a very well-known Melbourne-based university. In general, my tertiary experience has been a rather positive one. It was, for example, the catalyst for my introduction to the Captain here—a privilege rarely afforded the lowly, unwashed masses. (Knowingly, anyway.) But the elation I get from a good thinking session or a tidy HD on a paper is rather overshadowed by the fact that the whole institution often feels completely disorganised and totally arbitrary.
Dealing with the university administration system, for example, is like being blindfolded at a party and told to hit the piñata. Only, the piñata is in another building, and so is the party for that matter, and it’s on a different day at a different time, and nobody told you because you weren’t at that unscheduled meeting in the faculty lounge last Friday at 3:37pm where all of this was discussed. They’ve also cancelled the cheese platter but there’s no point in coming anyway because the free champagne is only for professors and you’re just one of their lackeys.
By the way, emailing me five minutes before an event begins does not count as giving me notice.
Speaking of email, no, I haven’t filled out that survey about the inadequacy of the size of the car spaces for the Science Faculty because I don’t park there and I don’t care, I’ve never had anything to do with the Science Faculty and spamming me about it isn’t going to change that.
I’m so sorry I followed the instructions on that form and submitted it to the graduate school office like it told me to do. Next time I’ll completely ignore any written directives and make sure I annoy you with every piece of pointless documentation the system might require of me. Would you like to check over my Medicare claims and tax returns as well? I’ll even attach some passive-aggressive notes to them, just to keep things interesting. ‘Yours in anticipation’ indeed.
And why must the web enrolment system be formatted like a questionnaire from Quiz-Your-Friends? Don’t we have an entire department devoted to information technology? Surely they can come up with something better than highlighted bullet points on a glorified Word document.
Finally, I don’t know what part of ‘I want to have adventures’ sounds to you like ‘I want to sit in an office with a view of a carpark and teach Derrida to bored undergraduates for the rest of my life’ but that’s not what I said and that’s not what’s going to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal of a room of one’s own and an adjustable desk chair as much as the next person, but I’ve never once considered the institution as a long-term career and I’m not going to start now. I have a life and I intend to live it.
Vitriol Girl blogs over here when she is trying to rescue her soul from her university
I am a postgraduate at a very well-known Melbourne-based university. In general, my tertiary experience has been a rather positive one. It was, for example, the catalyst for my introduction to the Captain here—a privilege rarely afforded the lowly, unwashed masses. (Knowingly, anyway.) But the elation I get from a good thinking session or a tidy HD on a paper is rather overshadowed by the fact that the whole institution often feels completely disorganised and totally arbitrary.
Dealing with the university administration system, for example, is like being blindfolded at a party and told to hit the piñata. Only, the piñata is in another building, and so is the party for that matter, and it’s on a different day at a different time, and nobody told you because you weren’t at that unscheduled meeting in the faculty lounge last Friday at 3:37pm where all of this was discussed. They’ve also cancelled the cheese platter but there’s no point in coming anyway because the free champagne is only for professors and you’re just one of their lackeys.
By the way, emailing me five minutes before an event begins does not count as giving me notice.
Speaking of email, no, I haven’t filled out that survey about the inadequacy of the size of the car spaces for the Science Faculty because I don’t park there and I don’t care, I’ve never had anything to do with the Science Faculty and spamming me about it isn’t going to change that.
I’m so sorry I followed the instructions on that form and submitted it to the graduate school office like it told me to do. Next time I’ll completely ignore any written directives and make sure I annoy you with every piece of pointless documentation the system might require of me. Would you like to check over my Medicare claims and tax returns as well? I’ll even attach some passive-aggressive notes to them, just to keep things interesting. ‘Yours in anticipation’ indeed.
And why must the web enrolment system be formatted like a questionnaire from Quiz-Your-Friends? Don’t we have an entire department devoted to information technology? Surely they can come up with something better than highlighted bullet points on a glorified Word document.
Finally, I don’t know what part of ‘I want to have adventures’ sounds to you like ‘I want to sit in an office with a view of a carpark and teach Derrida to bored undergraduates for the rest of my life’ but that’s not what I said and that’s not what’s going to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal of a room of one’s own and an adjustable desk chair as much as the next person, but I’ve never once considered the institution as a long-term career and I’m not going to start now. I have a life and I intend to live it.
Vitriol Girl blogs over here when she is trying to rescue her soul from her university
The turtle dictionary
How much better would dictionaries be if they used turtles to explain definitions. How much? How can you measure such awesomeness!
juxtaposition [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn] - noun. An act or instance of placing close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast. The photographer thought the juxtaposition of the turtle and the girl was artistic, but we thought it mildly ridiculous.
precariously [pri-kair-ee-uhs-lee] - adverb. Dangerously lacking in security or stability. The turtles were precariously stacked upon the rock.
More here
Out of place alligators pop up all over the place
http://pictureisunrelated.com/2010/09/08/wtf-photos-videos-dear-susan-you039ll-never-guess-what-happened-today/
Bear Grylls
I am sorry but you are plonker.
In fact if there was a possibility for a king of plonkers you would be it (although head of the scouts is pretty close to head plonker in my books (1)) I may even upgrade you to Donker
So, lets look at one small example of your screaming donkerdom. (ignoring the fact that you always pretend its you are alone for 24 hours. WE ALL KNOW ITS SHOT OVER A WEEK BY A CREW OF 4 and frankly the camera man who does all the shit you do but carrying a camera and having to listen to your drivel is the real hero in my books)
You land in a desert. You need cover. Good call, Fair enough. You fashion a head scarf out of clothing (although why not just bring a hat? Did you leave it in the helicopter? Are you that bad a planner) Okay. Granted making a hat is wise. Then you piss on it.
Then you piss on it.
Yep. To keep cool you piss on your hat. Now. This may (and I do say may) be wise if you are out in the desert for an hour but as you have told us you have 24 hours (sure) so what is this going to achieve? An hour of coolness then you will be hot and smell of piss. I am sorry Bear, that is stupid. Donker. Stinkypisshead. You must be the only person who has a prime time show to display their golden shower fetish
And don't try and convince me eating every repulsive piece of what could only be loosely called animal out there is important for a little "protein hit". PACK A FRICKING SANDWICH! or one of those prepackage cheese things. They are good.
also stop making it all seem like SUUUUCHHH AAAA BIIIIG DRRRAAAMMMA. Its not., Seriously., really. Its not. Quick head count. Man vs Wild? No it should be called 4 men with logistics team vs Mild.
I did like the episode when you got diarrhea . Because you give me the shits.
(1) Dear Scouts, can I just take this opportunity to point out I am still on the waiting list for Padbury Cubs. That's 34 years of waiting. I am still somewhat keen to join though although concerned my uniform may not fit.
In fact if there was a possibility for a king of plonkers you would be it (although head of the scouts is pretty close to head plonker in my books (1)) I may even upgrade you to Donker
So, lets look at one small example of your screaming donkerdom. (ignoring the fact that you always pretend its you are alone for 24 hours. WE ALL KNOW ITS SHOT OVER A WEEK BY A CREW OF 4 and frankly the camera man who does all the shit you do but carrying a camera and having to listen to your drivel is the real hero in my books)
You land in a desert. You need cover. Good call, Fair enough. You fashion a head scarf out of clothing (although why not just bring a hat? Did you leave it in the helicopter? Are you that bad a planner) Okay. Granted making a hat is wise. Then you piss on it.
Then you piss on it.
Yep. To keep cool you piss on your hat. Now. This may (and I do say may) be wise if you are out in the desert for an hour but as you have told us you have 24 hours (sure) so what is this going to achieve? An hour of coolness then you will be hot and smell of piss. I am sorry Bear, that is stupid. Donker. Stinkypisshead. You must be the only person who has a prime time show to display their golden shower fetish
And don't try and convince me eating every repulsive piece of what could only be loosely called animal out there is important for a little "protein hit". PACK A FRICKING SANDWICH! or one of those prepackage cheese things. They are good.
also stop making it all seem like SUUUUCHHH AAAA BIIIIG DRRRAAAMMMA. Its not., Seriously., really. Its not. Quick head count. Man vs Wild? No it should be called 4 men with logistics team vs Mild.
I did like the episode when you got diarrhea . Because you give me the shits.
(1) Dear Scouts, can I just take this opportunity to point out I am still on the waiting list for Padbury Cubs. That's 34 years of waiting. I am still somewhat keen to join though although concerned my uniform may not fit.
Grumpiness around the world
First day of school
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/awkward-first-day-of-school-pictures
Introducing Humberto
Guest post by Humberto the Eggplant bush
Hola, I am Humberto, A newly planted bush of the eggplant.
I have nothing much to say at the moment as all I do is hang out with the capsicum to my left and the tomato to my right. The tomato is a little gossipy and the capsicum is a little sullen so there isn't much happening in Humbertos day at the moment. Just sitting in the sun, sipping water and living in hope that Pinot the worlds smallest black panther doesn't toilet in me
Its a simple life being Humberto.
But I am wise. I am available to answer any questions so if you have something that is perplexing you, please do drop me a line or ask me in the comments section
adios muy comprades
Hola, I am Humberto, A newly planted bush of the eggplant.
I have nothing much to say at the moment as all I do is hang out with the capsicum to my left and the tomato to my right. The tomato is a little gossipy and the capsicum is a little sullen so there isn't much happening in Humbertos day at the moment. Just sitting in the sun, sipping water and living in hope that Pinot the worlds smallest black panther doesn't toilet in me
Its a simple life being Humberto.
But I am wise. I am available to answer any questions so if you have something that is perplexing you, please do drop me a line or ask me in the comments section
adios muy comprades
Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week
- Wampa Rug.
Magnificent. And this one comes with an offer.
If you would like to be photographed naked on the Wampa rug, then send an email to make the appropriate arrangements. Please include the subject heading: "I would like to be photographed naked on a wampa rug". If I have enough responses I will publish a coffee table book entitled,
"I Was Naked on a Wampa Rug. Vol I."
- Mark Storen's Cut to the Quick If you like your cabaret unconventional, sung by someone with the voice of an angel but the heart of the devil this is the one to come and see next Saturday night (18th of September)
- Here's a preview
An original, demented cabaret, that takes a peek at unrequited love gone wrong. From the milkman who finds the shoes on the other foot, to a man who's lover leaves him for the Eiffel tower, this interactive, chaotic, musical adventure examines the plight of the jilted lover.
"If Martyn Jacques ever pulled the pin from the Tiger Lillies, his two confreres could do a lot worse than give Mark Storen a call to replace him." The West Australian.
Mark Storen's A Drunken Cabaret, **** Time Out New York/ 2009 New York International Fringe festival.
"A Philosophical and funny look at the taboo space where love turns homicidal. Impressively Incorrect." Mark Storen's A Drunken Cabaret, **** The Advertiser, Adelaide Fringe 2008
"If Martyn Jacques ever pulled the pin from the Tiger Lillies, his two confreres could do a lot worse than give Mark Storen a call to replace him." The West Australian.
Mark Storen's A Drunken Cabaret, **** Time Out New York/ 2009 New York International Fringe festival.
"A Philosophical and funny look at the taboo space where love turns homicidal. Impressively Incorrect." Mark Storen's A Drunken Cabaret, **** The Advertiser, Adelaide Fringe 2008
Come along. I'll be there.
While thinking about it listen to this classic. Stab u by Mark Storen
While thinking about it listen to this classic. Stab u by Mark Storen
- Sulking Sam Worthington Brilliant. Go here for all of them
Diary from Dullsvile
Dear Perth
This is a latte
(although I do prefer mine in a glass)
This is NOT a latte
Perth, you don't deserve coffee you cashed up bogan fools if you insist on calling this milky abomination of weak burnt coffee bean lost in a torrent of over scorched milk a latter. This is not a letter, it is a reason people despair. AND I DON'T NEED A HANDLE ON MY GLASS
And don't go telling me its a good place to raise kids, whats the point if you don't have good coffee to keep you going? No point. None at all. Google latte you fools before we decide to cut you adrift for reasons of crimes against society. We don't need your stinky mine money you bunch of daylight-saving fearing throwbacks to the Menzies era.
and if anyone ever says Hi I'm a Barista from Perth I will kidney punch them then stomp on their squishy bits while laughing in a high pitched manner, sounding not unlike a frog being stepped on
PS Coffee that costs $4.50 is frankly inhuman and is most likely against some Geneva convention somewhere, I am ringing up Angelina Jolie and telling her and she will be coming over with her mutant looking children and old Beardy Mcfilmdude and will be doing something about you people. Yes. She will.
PPS We will talk on the ridiculous price of everything in Perth later, after I have a calming latte and a lie down
This is a latte
This is NOT a latte
Perth, you don't deserve coffee you cashed up bogan fools if you insist on calling this milky abomination of weak burnt coffee bean lost in a torrent of over scorched milk a latter. This is not a letter, it is a reason people despair. AND I DON'T NEED A HANDLE ON MY GLASS
And don't go telling me its a good place to raise kids, whats the point if you don't have good coffee to keep you going? No point. None at all. Google latte you fools before we decide to cut you adrift for reasons of crimes against society. We don't need your stinky mine money you bunch of daylight-saving fearing throwbacks to the Menzies era.
and if anyone ever says Hi I'm a Barista from Perth I will kidney punch them then stomp on their squishy bits while laughing in a high pitched manner, sounding not unlike a frog being stepped on
PS Coffee that costs $4.50 is frankly inhuman and is most likely against some Geneva convention somewhere, I am ringing up Angelina Jolie and telling her and she will be coming over with her mutant looking children and old Beardy Mcfilmdude and will be doing something about you people. Yes. She will.
PPS We will talk on the ridiculous price of everything in Perth later, after I have a calming latte and a lie down
Snapshots of dipshits
An office
Phone rings
Captain: Hello
Voice: Can I speak to the decison maker please
Captain; You can talk to me
Voice: I am calling about your phone rate
Captain: Are you trying to sell me something?
Voice: No, I am calling about your phone rate
Captain: Do we have our phone system with you already?
Voice: Your line is with Telstra and they let me call
Captain: Are you trying to sell me something?
Voice: Your telephone line is with Telstra and they let me call
Captain: You really do need to answer my question. Are you trying to sell me something?
Voice: silence
Captain: Are you trying to sell me something?
Voice: That question can't be answered with a yes or no
Captain: I think it can be.
Voice: I am calling about your phone rate
Call ends
Phone rings
Captain: Hello
Voice: Can I speak to the decison maker please
Captain; You can talk to me
Voice: I am calling about your phone rate
Captain: Are you trying to sell me something?
Voice: No, I am calling about your phone rate
Captain: Do we have our phone system with you already?
Voice: Your line is with Telstra and they let me call
Captain: Are you trying to sell me something?
Voice: Your telephone line is with Telstra and they let me call
Captain: You really do need to answer my question. Are you trying to sell me something?
Voice: silence
Captain: Are you trying to sell me something?
Voice: That question can't be answered with a yes or no
Captain: I think it can be.
Voice: I am calling about your phone rate
Call ends
I like Twitter, I really do.
but it upsets me when you say something funny/ extremely pithy/ vaguely wise for 5 people to see it before it gets lost in a tidal wave of tweet
or to put it in twitter terms
but it upsets me when you say something funny/ extremely pithy/ vaguely wise for 5 people to see it before it gets lost in a tidal wave of tweet
or to put it in twitter terms
@sydneycafes New info on kid-friendly #cafes in #Sydney ur sydney
sigh
sigh
An open letter
Dear makers of the highoctanemovieevent television show called Rush
I don't mind your show (although it's no Undercover Boss) and on occasion I have watched it but something does constantly plague me about it.
What exactly is the brief for this squad of police? Drive around in their four wheel drives and do general acts of law enforcement good?
Surely they have a little bit of a briefing of what they are there to do? Surely you wouldn't have a elite force who just did things? It does seem they do everything from hostage negotiation to chasing people to some occasional shouting type activities. I am sure a future episode will be set in the dangerous world of school crossings or traffic infringements.
Now I will skip over the fact that you only have a squad of 8 with some dodgy recruiting practices (in the first season your master negotiator was a 20 year old but she's dead now so that's all chipper) So you have 8 or so cops, a grumpy office manager and the guy from the secret life watching multiple screens of who knows what. Their average age is 23 and they all seem to be worried abut something other which does make me awee bit nervous about the fact they have hi powered weaponry in the boot of their cars
Is there a night shift? They all do seem to go home at the same time and continue their sexual tension or continue their grumpy angst. What happens if good is needed to be done after 8pm? Does TV guys sit there all the time downloading porn just in case something happens? Does Iamsotough grumpy bitch pinch hit at night?
You have to admit it is a little perplexing
So imagining this was a real police force, what did the personnel advert say?
We are looking for grumpy cops with a chip on their shoulder to drive around Melbourne and do things. Shouting necessary. No one over the age of 25
Hmmm, seems a little bit vague
Now look at that great show Undercover Boss. A simple believable brief
We are looking for god loving bosses to do random acts of kindness to poor employees with no real lasting changes to their work place
See simple, direct and believable
Regards
Captain AR Pants Esq.
I don't mind your show (although it's no Undercover Boss) and on occasion I have watched it but something does constantly plague me about it.
What exactly is the brief for this squad of police? Drive around in their four wheel drives and do general acts of law enforcement good?
Surely they have a little bit of a briefing of what they are there to do? Surely you wouldn't have a elite force who just did things? It does seem they do everything from hostage negotiation to chasing people to some occasional shouting type activities. I am sure a future episode will be set in the dangerous world of school crossings or traffic infringements.
Now I will skip over the fact that you only have a squad of 8 with some dodgy recruiting practices (in the first season your master negotiator was a 20 year old but she's dead now so that's all chipper) So you have 8 or so cops, a grumpy office manager and the guy from the secret life watching multiple screens of who knows what. Their average age is 23 and they all seem to be worried abut something other which does make me awee bit nervous about the fact they have hi powered weaponry in the boot of their cars
Is there a night shift? They all do seem to go home at the same time and continue their sexual tension or continue their grumpy angst. What happens if good is needed to be done after 8pm? Does TV guys sit there all the time downloading porn just in case something happens? Does Iamsotough grumpy bitch pinch hit at night?
You have to admit it is a little perplexing
So imagining this was a real police force, what did the personnel advert say?
We are looking for grumpy cops with a chip on their shoulder to drive around Melbourne and do things. Shouting necessary. No one over the age of 25
Hmmm, seems a little bit vague
Now look at that great show Undercover Boss. A simple believable brief
We are looking for god loving bosses to do random acts of kindness to poor employees with no real lasting changes to their work place
See simple, direct and believable
Regards
Captain AR Pants Esq.
Diary from Dullsville
Some may think I am in the minority with my anti Perth stand. I present to you doubters this blog
The Worst of Perth presents all original examples of the worst of Design, Architecture, Art and Humanity from Perth Western Australia and the world with commentary from comedian, artist and photographer Andrew McDonald.
The Worst of Perth presents all original examples of the worst of Design, Architecture, Art and Humanity from Perth Western Australia and the world with commentary from comedian, artist and photographer Andrew McDonald.
My favourite post (which will mean more to ex perthites ( or Moosers as they are called by some)
Belltower. Unnatural Tendencies.
I’m a little apologetic about this Belltower post, as when I took this photo I was doing my best to make it look good. Sorry.
When the Belltower on the Swan River at Barrack Street was completed, I wrote to the then Premier Richard Court asking why he’d built what looked like an Asian dictator’s outhouse on our foreshore.
I’ve been having a little bit of a struggle with the Belltower ever since then, because deep down inside there’s an insistent little voice saying “Is it really that bad? Maybe it’s even a little interesting?”
I think many Perth People have been resisting coming out of the same closet. We don’t want to admit to ourselves that we were only against it because that annoying weed Richard Court was for it.
I wear a rubber band around my wrist. Everytime I feel I’m having unnatural Belltower loving feelings, I snap the band. “I am normal. I do not like the Belltower. Snap, snap, SNAP.
Diary from Dullsville
I have posted this before but as I sit here in the confines of the Northern Beaches of Dullsville the reality of how right on this film is hits me hard. Some would call it a mocumentary. I call it fact.
If only Bertie existed
If only Bertie existed
Diary from Dullsville
People say that the Perthians are up to date with the goings on in the world when defending the worlds most isolated city (they also say its great fr bringing up children but we'll discuss that another time)
Here are the top five read stories on WA Today website (Fairfax media) with the date they were originally posted.
Sigh
In the words of the local TV station " Love you Perth"
Here are the top five read stories on WA Today website (Fairfax media) with the date they were originally posted.
- X-rated movies household phenomena in France September 9, 2009
- Wife runs into mistress at mine September 3, 2010
- World's sexiest women named April 24, 2009
- Powerful earthquake strikes New Zealand September 4, 2010
- Outrage at photo of naked woman in China prostitute bust November 4, 2009
Sigh
In the words of the local TV station " Love you Perth"
Diary from Dullsville
I am spending a few days in the land that time forget ( Perth) and have found myself with a Friday night in Seaview Heights(1) and have decided to visit the local shops and dine. Why not!
Ayudha Thai restaraunt
(1) Name changed for reasons of making it seem better than it is
Ayudha Thai restaraunt
- Cuisine: Thai
- Are they kidding? a little
- Bae Marie. yes but empty. Design feature?
- Menu photocopied with no obvious bad use of apostrophes
- best dish crunch fried chicken
- ambiance a great range of pictures, a Buddhist shrine and plastic tables but like a mini food hall
- chance for salmonella keep the toilet door open
- Cuisine: Indian
- Are they kidding? its Indian although don't tell anyone from India
- Bae Marie. No
- Menu Printed but overeliance on clipart
- best dish Paneeer Jhal Frazi (only cause it sounds like an Indian rapper)
- ambiance like a supermarket with tables
- chance for salmonella low but you never know your luck in the suburbs
- Cuisine: uhmmmm...chinese?
- Are they kidding?a little but asuburban Chinese is its own country at the best of times
- Bae Marie. Yes.
- Menu photocopied and written over with multiple inappropriate apostrophes and spelling mistakes
- best dish Dry style beef
- ambiance chinese suburban (you've been there. You know you have)
- chance for salmonella high to bed ridden
(1) Name changed for reasons of making it seem better than it is
Things that haven't annoyed me so much this week
- The Levant and her Neighbors. In the world of seemingly never ending travel blogs it easy to get a bit blaise and through that not discover the gems. I really enjoyed this one and was lucky enough to read it as it unfolded. Go and have a read, its a worthy way to spend an hour or so
- What the fuck is a sloth? Brilliant. Go here for the truth
- Melbourne Fringe. I love fringes and have a special place in my grumpy heart for this one. Here's the Captains quick picks after my quick look through online
- The Lounge Room Conflaburators
- Women of Letters
- Sammy J's new show
- Passion Pop
- Notes from Hell
- Mrs Bang
- Dances with worms
- Babble
- Floating Narrative\
- the-hermitude of angus ecstatic
Go on, go and see some shows. Book early and excite the artists. And for every friends show you see, why not see another of someone you don't know.
- Blobble wars Say goodbye to the rest of the afternoon. Play it here
- This picture chokes me up every time I look at it
This is how the world ends
The penguin soon realized that the piper in fact did not know the full solo to A Long Way to the Top.
Beards (and looking like people from movies)
Well so much for the arts career for this year. I've done my dash there. Hey, it was a pile of fun and I loved it, exasperating as it could be but it's got to be one of the worst paid six months of not-on-the-dole ever. I mean I was on the dole in case things didn't work out and I put form in at a certain point – really late most of the time because I'd developed a total an complete aversion to the actual office anyway, and it seemed so bloody pointless because I was getting just enough pay to not earn anything, but it was a contract that would run out that would be bloody that so I couldn't really tell them to forget it al and forget me , although it went on long enough for me to actually get the boot and have to-reapply, just before the contract ran out, so my reward for honestly reporting my income turned out to be another bloody dole diary, which would have driven me to drink had not the pub been my office anyway.
I like the pub though. I go there and read crappy nerdy horror and science fiction novels, despite my acclaimed pretensions of being a literary wanker and despite music being played there. I do listen to music sometimes but when you've just been teaching YOUTH a special course and you want to wind down with a pint and a selection of short stories about Cthulhu eating the entire population of the planet in 2012, you don't want to here this week's generic shite 80s retro synth band. Is it still retre 80s synth? Or is it something else now? It changes so bloody fast that I can't even pretend not to to keep up, it's too rapid to even notice that I'm not noticing. I mean sure, things have sped up and the kids are still in the know, but there's GOT to be a direct correlation between the consumption of energy drinks and the ability to keep up with whatever trend currently exists, although I did drink a lot of vodka and red bull on Saturday just gone. Unsatisfying stuff, Vodka and red bull – I don't feel like I've drunk anything. I want red stains on my lips and the scent of hops in my far too voluminous beard.
I have a beard you know. It's excellent. I get beard envy from men and mysterious young women
sk if it's soft or hard – really, this is totally true, I was sitting outside a nice Hobart waterfront bar and this nice young lady asked if it was soft or hard. My Beard. Then asked for permission to stroke it. My wife was sitting right there and thought it was bloody hilarious so permission was granted and yes, my beard was stroked and you know what happened?
sk if it's soft or hard – really, this is totally true, I was sitting outside a nice Hobart waterfront bar and this nice young lady asked if it was soft or hard. My Beard. Then asked for permission to stroke it. My wife was sitting right there and thought it was bloody hilarious so permission was granted and yes, my beard was stroked and you know what happened?
The whole moment was bloody ruined when the nice young lady said I looked like the bloke from The Hangover.
CHRIST.
That's the worst thing about the beard. Who do I look like. Everyone has to tell me I look like someone. I've had harry Butler, Charles Manson, Jim Morrison but by far, more than any other single beard comparison I've had, I've been compared to the guy out of The Hangover.
This would be great but I'm the only one who knows his name. What's more, I can PRONOUNCE IT. The bloke from The Hangover is called Zach Galifianakis. Galifianakis is pronounced “GAL-i-fə-NAK-iss” and I have NEVER SEEN THE HANGOVER.
I'm told it's good but just because I have now had over a dozen strange women and some even stranger men, compare me to Zach Galifianakis, I hate the film, and this is totally stupid and I know that, but I was already a fan of Zach Galifianakis because I'm a pathetic comedy nerd who trawls youtube for interesting new comics who do interesting new comedy and I honestly thought Galifianakis was a bloody genius, and now, he's just the from The Hangover and because I have a beard, I apparently look like him.
I'm told it's good but just because I have now had over a dozen strange women and some even stranger men, compare me to Zach Galifianakis, I hate the film, and this is totally stupid and I know that, but I was already a fan of Zach Galifianakis because I'm a pathetic comedy nerd who trawls youtube for interesting new comics who do interesting new comedy and I honestly thought Galifianakis was a bloody genius, and now, he's just the from The Hangover and because I have a beard, I apparently look like him.
Which I don't, any more than I look like Charles Manson, Jim Morrsion, Grizzly Adams or any other person in history who may have had a beard. I am tempted to shave my beard off just to make all this go away but I have to tell you, I rather like my beard, apart from the comparisons and whlist it IS now Spring ,it's still BLOOODY FREEZING in Hobart and I'm not shaving the damn thing just yet, not when I get compliments on it from guys who run piercing stores.
Anyway, I ended up getting a job in call centre for a while, to pay some bills and buy my wife a present for being a rather nice wife, and for liking my beard. It's crap work, but I can do it wearing a flanney, a Slayer T-shirt and unpolished shoes, and no one is going to tell me I sound like the guy from The Hangover.
Andrew blogs here and here and may look vaguely like this
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