There ought to be a law

My neighbourhood is under constant threat from thieves, vandals, and Bandicoots. As its self-appointed guardian, I have to kill a lot of time late at night. So I watch a lot of television, and I'm absolutely fed up with it.

What gets right up my nose is the endless parade of fast-talking Emus in ill-fitting suits promising instant riches for gullible viewers. Photo after photo of flash cars, expansive holiday villas, and blindingly white teeth all courtesy of their latest scheme, whether it's spruiking dodgy cosmetics, "flipping" unwanted and overpriced real estate, or setting up half-baked websites for "passive income streams."

Am I the only one noticing that these enterprises don’t actually use the business plans that they’re selling? None of these ideas could possibly make money.

The only ones that come close to being legitimate are the ones offering directories of government assistance programmes, and those are morally bankrupt--encouraging Koalas ALREADY on the dole to grow even fatter off the government's largesse, applying for unneeded grants to bilk taxpayers out of their hard-earned dollars whilst they pursue a university degree in advanced knitting or some such rubbish.

The Emu pitchmen aren't the only problem. They wouldn't do it if they weren't making money. In fact, I shudder when I stop to think of the sorts of individuals ready to participate in such transparent frauds. So, an equal share of blame needs to be laid at the feet of the Kangaroos, Dunnarts, and Quokkas so desperate to avoid hard work that they actually believe these lies.

Something must be done to put an end to these scams. At the same time, I'll be stone cold dead in the ground before I suggest that we let the nanny state decide what can and can’t be seen on TV. So I’m proposing a simple solution: Ban Emus from television.

Would we be culturally poorer if they were completely gone? It's not like they've made any meaningful contributions, and allowing them to stay just gives them carte blanche to devastate some poor Echidna's nest egg, figuratively and literally. A ban will rescue our nation from the open sewer of toxic programming that is late-night television.

But such a measure would just be closing the barn door after the horse has snuck into another country on an extended guest worker visa, leaving the victims of these criminal enterprises broke and vulnerable. That’s why they should get in touch with me as soon as possible. For financial assistance.

You see, the other thing I’ve been doing with my time is studying accountancy, and I have developed a new system that will put them on the road to financial recovery whilst guaranteeing that no one else will ever be able to steal from them again. I’ll be happy to send them (or you!) the details as soon as I’ve received my first payment.

_{Racist Wallaby is active on Twitter and vents an ill-considered pile of rubbish opinions on his blog. He also maintains a web page on Facebook, but hasn’t done much with that because he’s not some sex-obsessed Pademelon on the prowl for underage victims.}